Explained: What is micro-cheating and how to spot it

Sarah admits she didn’t know if she should be angry or just get on with it? Did it class as cheating or not?

Couples therapist and psychologist Helen Robertson

When Sarah, 31, discovered that her partner of two years had been messaging an ex-partner, she confronted him immediately. “I’m not proud that I looked through his phone,” she admits. “But I’m glad I did, because I was so hurt and shocked by what I saw in his WhatsApp.”

The messages to his ex were not sexual. In fact, she could see that her partner’s ex-girlfriend was in a new, loving relationship.

“It was all very platonic,” Sarah says. “She clearly didn’t want to get back with him.”

But then the messages took a devastating turn. “My partner told her – his ex – all about a recent argument we’d had,” Sarah says. “He called me dramatic and told her very personal details about my difficult childhood. I couldn’t believe that he’d chosen his ex to confide in.”

Her partner didn’t count it as cheating, but their relationship couldn’t recover and ended a month later.

To Sarah, the behaviour fell under the category of “micro-cheating” – internet-friendly shorthand for small breaches of trusts in a relationship.

If you’re confused about what counts as micro-cheating, you’re not alone. On social media, where the term has become popularised, it’s hotly debated.

On TikTok, a post that lists “examples of micro-cheating” has more than 1.4 million views. It includes deleting messages, seeking friendships with people you find attractive, being touchy with someone else, and always commenting on and liking someone’s photographs.

It is also, apparently, a crime against commitment to have “leaky sexual energy” on social media. (When a person uses their sexuality to get attention and validation).

This is where it gets subjective. Is it micro-cheating to watch pornography when you’re in a relationship? Some people say yes. Or is it controlling to stop your partner from exploring their sexual fantasies?

Social media is blurring the lines and conversations about boundaries is important. Picture: Stock

Couples therapist and psychologist Helen Robertson is the co-author of the book The 8 Love Links. She says what counts as micro-cheating is up for debate and this can make it hard for couples to set clear boundaries.

“In my therapy, I often see individuals engaging in what could be termed micro-cheating,” Robertson says. “These behaviours are often secretive and question the commitment one partner has to the relationships.”

She has a long list of examples, including one partner maintaining an open profile on a dating site who “occasionally scrolls through matches”, and one partner developing a close emotional relationship with a colleague they find attractive.

“Although ‘micro’ in nature, micro-cheating will not go unnoticed, even if there is just a sense that something is wrong in the relationship,” Robertson says. “The subtle nature of micro-cheating can leave a partner feeling unsure and confused about the appropriateness of their partner’s behaviour.”

A survey conducted by the search engine Spokeo asked people to categorise what they considered as cheating. Nearly 40 per cent of people said “sending suggestive messages was cheating”; 31 per cent said “suggestive body language”; and 28 per cent said “sleeping in another bed as a person but not sexually.”

Meanwhile, a survey by Finder.com found one in three Australians believes that “financial infidelity – where a person lies about money – is worse than sexual infidelity.

So, what about flirting? How far is too far?

Belinda Gavin is the event manager for Sexpo, the Southern Hemisphere’s largest adults-only event. She is a self-proclaimed “expert in micro-cheating” – and a repeat offender herself. Despite saying she is a “very local partner”, Gavin admits that she has micro-cheated in past relationships. And she has been micro-cheated on.

“Well, I am a massive flirt,” Gavin says. “I would kind of say that is micro-cheating. I think, probably, in every one of my relationships, at some point, there has been some kind of inappropriate behaviour.”

This includes kissing another person, but not taking it further. “I have definitely micro-cheated and not mentioned it to my partner, only because it doesn’t or didn’t mean anything,” she says. “I have also let someone get away with micro-cheating just because I could not bother dealing with it.”

Young woman is feeling depressed while her boyfriend is text messaging on cell phone with some other woman.

Your attitude to cheating could depend on where you were born. A study from the Pew Research Centre found France is more accepting of infidelity than most other countries. (In France, 47 per cent of people surveyed said it’s unacceptable for married people to have an affair, compared with 79 per cent in Australia.)

Bridgette Jackson is a relationship coach and a divorce and separation specialist. In her experience, our definition of micro-cheating can change as we get older.

If you’re 30 years and under, she says, digital communication is a danger zone. A common example, Jackson says, is “maintaining a social media presence where you appear to be single despite being in a relationship”.

If you’re over the age of 30, micro-cheating can become more subtle.

“Often, I see people confiding in someone outside of their relationship, whilst withholding the same emotional intimacy from a partner,” she adds. “This could include sending photos or videos to someone else before your partner or without your partner knowing.”

Technology can be blamed for making micro-cheating so accessible – and complex. Is it cheating to chat with your ex on Facebook, to follow underwear models on Instagram or to subscribe to OnlyFans?

And then there’s the topic of “AI companions”. These are AI chatbots designed to mimic romantic or intimate human relationships. One of the most popular is a platform called Replika, which is coded to “chat about your day, catch up on video calls and so much more”. It’s an AI chatbot – but it can get quite intimate.

In a post on Reddit, one woman asked: “Does anyone think it’s cheating when your husband has an AI soulmate?”

The responses were mixed, with one person writing back, “If it is cutting into the time your partner is supposed to spend with you, and neglect you emotionally in any way, then I think the situation is not ideal.”

However, another person saw no problem with the arrangement, replying: “Everyone is different and it’s totally possible your husband just sees his (AI soulmate) as a toy or personalised porn.” The same person argued that it still wasn’t cheating “even if he says he loves her as part of the story”.

Micro-cheating breeds distrust in a relationship. Picture: Supplied

Julie Tenner is an intimacy andrelationship coach who specialises in helping parents to keep the spark alive.

Many of the couples she works with are “monogamish”, the space between monogamy and non-monogamy.

Rather than micro-cheating, Tenner prefers the phrase “micro-open”; it’s not swingers parties, but there is space for exploration.

Transparency and mutual respect are key, she says. Tenner works with couples to put “consensual relationship agreements” in place that ensure “both partners are lit up and still have a desire to meet each other’s values”.

For her clients, this has included agreements around flirting with co-workers, engaging with porn (either alone or together), and exploring sex outside the relationship.

In one couple, one partner took their kids away for the night so the other could “experience what they wanted outside the relationship”.

It doesn’t have to be sexual. “I love watching my husband get his needs met from other women and other spaces,” says Tenner, who admits she “outsources all sporting-related excitement”.

“I have a few girlfriends who are in the basketball world with (my husband) and they’re always messaging each other,” she says. “It’s like flirting. They’re all revving each other up. And I love it because I don’t have to be part of it, but he gets those needs met.”

Currently, she is in a monogamous relationship with her husband but, as a “polygamous soul”, she doesn’t assume they will continue in this manner forever.

“It’s a conversation we revisit annually,” Tenner says.

“Is monogamy still where we want to be as alive, vibrant humans? Are we still cool with our relationship setup?”

According to Tenner, a “micro-open arrangement” doesn’t have to take anything away from your relationship – it can add to it.

“You can go away and have an experience, and then bring that story or that energy back to your relationship,” she says.

“Then it becomes fuel to the fire of your connection.”