How to make divorce easier on the children

WHEN parents separate, children need to be their first priority - regardless of their age, writes Elisa Black.

While divorce is consistently acknowledged as one of the most stressful things a person can go through, it is the children who often bear the brunt.

As mum and dad are fighting over who gets the house, the car, and the mutual friends; children can become inappropriate confidantes, tools of manipulation, and prizes to be won.

But there are ways to make the process as pain-free as possible for kids, whether they be infants or teenagers about to leave home.

Jane Miller, partner and accredited family law specialist with Tindall Gask Bentley Lawyers, has been a family lawyer for 12 years.

The firm, South Australia's largest family law practice, sees about 600 new clients a year.

Ms Miller said one of the worst things parents can do is to expose their children to conflict.

"This includes criticising the other parent or verbally and physically attacking the other parent in front of the child,'' she said.

"This is extremely traumatic for children. Other parents attempt to manipulate or put pressure on their children to take sides, and overlook the fact that their children have a right to an ongoing relationship with both parents."

While many acrimonious separations end up in a lawyer's office, it is possible to keep things civil.

"Having open and constructive communication between parents about the needs of the children and being able to put those needs ahead of the hurt and anguish of divorce can return a best case solution."

Rita Princi is a clinical psychologist and SA Chair of the Australian Psychological Clinical College.

As a child, adolescent and family psychologist she has seen many children dealing with the fallout from divorce.

"The problems that children experience following their parents' divorce depends heavily on the ways the parents manage their own feelings during and after the divorce."

She said using children as a sounding board, exposing them to conflict, expecting them to take sides, or interfering with them having a loving relationship with the other parents can lead to sleep problems, sadness, anger and irritability, difficulty concentrating, decreased motivation, friendship difficulties and negative self-talk, school avoidance and separation anxiety, feeling guilty for loving the other parent, and needing more hugs and cuddles because of grief and uncertainty.

But while substantial distress can lead to children experiencing an increased risk of adjustment, achievement and relationships issues, resilience is the normal outcome, especially when parents place their children's best interests first.

Ms Princi said it was important to keep a child's developmental level in mind when explaining a separation.

"Younger children may feel confused about why their parents are no longer living together, while adolescents may understand why, especially if they have been exposed to conflict, however all ages will experience grief symptoms due to the changes occurring in their lives,'' she said.

"When explaining 'why' it is important to use language that the children understand depending on their age, for example, "Mummy and Daddy have decided to not live together anymore but we will both still be looking after you in different homes". With teenagers, honesty is important without denigrating the other parent.

"Encourage questions, affirm that separation doesn't mean either parent loves the child any less, validate children's feelings, use developmentally appropriate language and context to explain the situation, try to avoid open ended scenarios which can increase children's anxiety and uncertainty, be patient.

"Parents need to keep in mind that whilst the separation is difficult for them, it is even more difficult and confusing for the child.

"It is a parent's responsibility to show hope in their eyes so that the child knows that their parents will always have their best interests at heart."