Couples therapist reveals the key to having great sex

If you want to improve your connection with your partner in between the sheets, you need to learn this one key relationship rule.

Have you ever wondered why romantic relationships are more intense, exciting and magnetic in the beginning? Is this phase real, or something made up in the movies?

Well, a study by psychiatrist Donatella Marrazziti and MD Domenico Canale compared the hormones of couples who had recently fallen in love with couples in long lasting relationships. Their findings showed that newly-in-love couples exhibited higher levels of hormones suggestive of stressful and arousing conditions when compared with couples in long lasting relationships.

When they retested both groups 12-24 months later, there was no significant difference in hormone levels, indicating the honeymoon phase is real and does come to an end.

The honeymoon moments are a privileged journey and love drug for those who are single and moving into a bonded relationship.

But enough with the hormones – why does the honeymoon phase occur?

From a psychological perspective, the honeymoon phase has several undercurrents. The first relates to the vulnerability and excitement of attachment insecurity.

When two people meet, there is no felt sense of a secure attachment bond. The unknown and the vulnerability heighten the experience of every bonding moment. Simple touch brings sparks, electricity and heartbeats. Moments and desires are replayed in the mind long after the date ends.

Sexual tension and desire are also a strong undercurrent of the honeymoon phase.

Tensions and urges rise and the physical sexual chemistry builds, leading to exciting sexual encounters and post coitus highs. There is nothing more physically closer than sex and there is strong individual meaning and interpretation as a result of this, which also fuses attachment bonding.

How do you keep that sexual chemistry alive during a long relationship? Picture: iStock

The final undercurrent relates to “self-expansion”, which is a term coined by Arthur Aron, a professor of psychology at the State University of New York. Individuals seek to expand their sense of self by broadening experiences and learnings. When two worlds collide, you gain new experiences and insights. Your world expands through your partner’s personality, culture, hobbies, work, friends, family and even location.

Self-expansion is highly correlated with contentment and positive brain health. It is the opposite of stagnation and it fuels the good feeling in the relationship.

The fusion of these undercurrents plays a major role in the honeymoon phase.    

However, in a longer secure relationship, eventually partner attachment stabilises, sexual tension decreases, self-expansion is exhausted and the honeymoon phase comes to an end.

So how do you keep recapturing that good feeling after the honeymoon phase?

• Create some attachment tension

If your partner believes you would survive and thrive on your own, then they are going to value you more. This means you are not co-dependent and are choosing each other, making the relationship and interactions special.

To stay in love, you must grow as an individual too. Picture: iStock

You achieve this by continuing to have healthy parts of you that are independent of the relationship. For example, make time for continued learning, personal friendships, your health, hobbies and other value-based activities.

This is not about ignoring your partner or making them jealous. Rather, it is about continuing to learn and grow as an individual. When you have two partners who prioritise their relationship and value each other as individuals, you keep the right amount of attachment tension to keep the sparks going.

• Bring attention back to sex and desire

Sex and desire are dynamic and evolving, requiring investment and attention if you want it to thrive. A positive sexual connection will enhance and bring new depths to your relationship. Couples who have a strong sexual connection also report higher levels of emotional closeness. Trying new things or exploring your sex life can bring back the sexual excitement experienced during the honeymoon phase.

• Continue to create self-expansion

Creating novel and exciting experiences together fortifies your relationship, because you continue to experience self-expansion. You continue to grow as an individual, which makes your relationship bond more valuable. Self-expansion safeguards your relationship and increases attraction in your relationship, helping you recapture that special honeymoon energy.

Keep things interesting. Picture: iStock

Is it all downhill after the honeymoon phase? Absolutely not.

Positive long-term relationships are a platform to live life in line with your values and goals. Love and acceptance have a positive effect on your mental health and wellbeing. A loving companion is there to celebrate the highs and ride out the lows with. A hand held while going to sleep, the offer of a cup of tea or the comfort of a hug offers a warm blanket even in the coldest of moments. Trust and love simply makes you stronger.

Achieving joint goals and adventures brings a sense of mastery and couples’ accomplishment. Even sex life in long term relationships can improve, because there is less self-consciousness, less pressure and an openness to mutual exploration.

The honeymoon coming to the end can be the beginning of a relationship which can hold the greatest joys life has to offer.

Shahn Baker Sorekli is a Clinical Psychologist and couples therapist, as well as the co- founder of the couples coaching app My Love Your Love. He is also the co-author of

The 8 Love Links, a book designed to help individuals and couples develop deeper insights and strategies for stronger, more fulfilling relationships. For more information visit www.8lovelinks.com

Originally published as Couples therapist reveals the key to having great sex