Public Lycra to stomach-churning use of sheep guts – bugbears only Muppets could approve
Are you ending this year feeling annoyed by all sorts of things? Dominic Knight understands – in fact he has compiled his grievances into The Dictionary Of Terrible Ideas. Here are 10 of the worst.
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Are you ending this year feeling annoyed by all sorts of things? Dominic Knight understands – in fact he has compiled his grievances into The Dictionary Of Terrible Ideas.
ATHLEISURE
A fashion that enables people to dress like they’re at the gym when they are in fact not at the gym, the recent proliferation of activewear has enabled the non-superhero community to wear full-body Lycra in public for the first time.
Though the fashion had already been growing before the onset of the Covid-19 pandemic, it exploded during lockdown, when people began to feel, quite justifiably, that it wasn’t necessary to don a formal suit for a day of video calls.
Researchers at Edith Cowan University in Perth have discovered that shopping online for skin-tight “athleisure” clothes is bad for your self-esteem, which enables even those customers who do not ultimately spend money on these garments to pick up a psychological condition for free.
BAGPIPES
The most egregious legal method of abusing a sheep, the bagpipes are a source of loud, unpleasant, droning noises that are mistakenly believed by some with severe hearing problems to be a musical instrument. They are the perfect soundtrack for a dreary Scottish winter, where the only ways to pass time are trying to catch a glimpse of an non-existent aquatic dinosaur, wondering whether the person wearing full Highland dress will stab you with the traditional sgian-dubh ceremonial dagger hidden in their sock, or pondering whether haggis is a better or worse traditional use of a sheep’s stomach than making bagpipes out of it.
Surprisingly, the instrument often features in popular music, with classic solos in such tracks as It’s A Long Way To The Top (If You Wanna Rock’n’Roll) by AC/DC. The success of this song is testament to the group’s genius, as it is far harder to rock your way to the top using bagpipes.
ELMO
The most irritating Muppet, largely because of Elmo’s habit of talking about Elmo in the third person. Perpetually three-and-a-half years old, Elmo is the Sesame Street resident that adult viewers watching with young children would most like to throw in the nearest trash can, were Oscar the Grouch not already living in it.
Elmo began to transcend the other Muppets with the release of the Tickle Me Elmo doll, which reached extraordinary levels of popularity ahead of Christmas in 1996. One Walmart saw a stampede of 300 people, leading to serious injuries. In such incidents, Elmo effectively incited a mob, an act for which he, as a minor, unfortunately could not be held criminally responsible.
FOAM PARTIES
Social events that occur in a space filled with a frankly absurd quantity of detergent foam, making the environment like a bubble bath without the bath. As delightful as it may sound to participate in a mass wet T-shirt competition, regrettably, getting drunk and dancing in an room full of soapy foam commonly leads to injuries, usually caused by slipping, or by foam getting in participants’ eyes, leading to a burning sensation called chemical keratoconjunctivitis.
It’s no coincidence that the increase in the popularity of foam parties in the early 2010s was matched by a proportionate increase in the number of drunk idiots winding up in hospital.
The other known problem with foam parties is that, despite the aura of cleanliness associated with soap bubbles, participants’ behaviour often gets really, really filthy.
HOMOEOPATHY
An alternative medicine system which is believed to stimulate the body’s natural responses to illness, subsequently providing a cure. Homoeopathy is based on the pseudoscientific belief that the more you dilute something, the more powerful it becomes, because the fluid you dilute it with “remembers” the original substance. Strangely, despite its central tenet being easily disproved using literally any liquid, as well as by dodgy bars that water down booze, homoeopathy has survived for more than 200 years.
LATIN
A language that is now as deceased as the Romans who once spoke it. Unlike them, however, Latin is still kept in a form of suspended animation by a combination of misplaced nostalgia and elitist pretension.
The language has traditionally been used for technical terms in fields such as medicine, law, biology and theology, none of which are any justification for studying it today.
In the 2016 Australian census, however, 309 people said they spoke Latin at home, which was presumably either an attempt at humour, a genuine misunderstanding by people with Latin American heritage, or massively sad. Ergo, it’s very much time to say requiescat in pace (R.I.P.) to Latin.
MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING
Businesses that essentially spread like viruses, causing ill effects to those who encounter them. Their pyramid-shaped business model is also used by the mafia, where low-level operatives pass their earnings up the chain until the bosses are earning large sums without having to get their own hands dirty. The Mafiosi, however, do not have fiendishly complex “rewards” like Amway, whose online glossary uses dozens of terms like “Diamond Plus Bonus”, “Executive Diamond”, “Founders Platinum”, “Gold Producer”, “Ruby Bonus” and “Crown Ambassador” to make trying to peddle stuff to one’s friends and family seem like a prestigious business rather than the height of rudeness.
Psychologists have compared MLMs to religious cults, and cite similar impacts, such as members being estranged from their families – which, frankly, is not an unreasonable response to continually being asked to overpay for moisturiser.
RIEU, ANDRÉ
The result of an experiment whereby a Dutch violinist was given prodigious playing abilities, remarkable entrepreneurial nous, no discernible musical taste and an uncanny resemblance to the Paddle Pop Lion.
Rieu has become renowned around the world as the violinist who brought classical music to the masses by making it considerably less classic. His forté is the Viennese waltz – and vigorous dancing is the only way to remain awake during a Rieu recital.
The violinist is well-known for spectacular public concerts in European town squares, which comply with health and safety regulations which require fresh air and multiple exits for the large number of nauseated patrons.
Rieu often talks of his desire to be the first musician to play on the moon, which seems a goal that both his fans and detractors can get behind, especially if it’s a one-way ticket.
SELF-SERVICE CHECKOUTS
A means for supermarkets to save money on labour by forcing their customers to scan and pack their groceries themselves, thus giving their customers the chance to enjoy a much slower experience while being surveilled by multiple cameras and treated as potential thieves.
One common response is to deliberately make scanning errors to compensate oneself for one’s labour; another is blatant shoplifting, which has risen significantly since self-service checkouts were introduced.
In return for doing the job that was previously done rapidly and expertly by checkout attendants, supermarket customers are compensated by getting to pay the same exorbitant prices they’d pay at the minuscule selection of checkouts still staffed by a bored teenager.
ZOOM
Hello, can you hear me? No? Hello? Is it working? Maybe you have mute on. Oh, wait, maybe I have mute on. Or do we both have mute on?
Try typing in the chat window. You don’t know where the chat window is? I don’t know where the chat window is either. Just a moment, I’ll adjust my camera settings. No, I still can’t hear you. Cool, you’ve made yourself appear in front of a background of a beach – but I still can’t hear you. Have you tried restarting your computer? Have you tried deleting Zoom and never reinstalling it? Should we just do this via a phone call, the way we all used to before everyone started using this incredibly frustrating app?
Originally published as Public Lycra to stomach-churning use of sheep guts – bugbears only Muppets could approve
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