'Please, stop complimenting me on my weight loss'

My sister had cancer. Then someone said I looked the best I ever had.

Weight loss often forms the basis of commentary about our looks. Image: Getty

Whatever occurs in our lives can affect how we look, and feel. Other people view us in certain lights, albeit sometimes incorrectly, it is the way we view ourselves that matters. Having made strides in body positivity and how a woman's bodies are perceived, there is, it appears still a long way to go. 

Content warning: This piece mentions disordered eating and body image and might be upsetting for some readers. 

If you’ve ever been complimented on your body, I’ll bet my bottom dollar that it’s corresponded with weight loss.

For myself, the times when people have said I’ve looked great have always correlated with my body being smaller. But as a perpetual size 14 to 16, weight loss in my life has rarely been a good thing. In fact, it’s often been synonymous with some of the worst periods of my life.

The time I dropped two sizes due to the stress of being a carer for my sister with stage two cancer. When I mysteriously kept losing weight because I had an ovarian cyst the size of an orange tucked away in my belly.

The grief that engulfed me (and meal time) after my father suddenly passed away. Periods of depression and anxiety, where I oscillated between binge eating entire packs of Tim Tams and not having a real meal in days, simply to not leave bed. 

But if you ask me, some of the most jarring and traumatising parts of these experiences haven’t been in the actual event itself (though I would never recommend going through them, either), it’s been through the influx of compliments in reaction to see my body in a stressed – and thinner – state. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the first time that it had happened.

In between visiting oncology wards with my sister and our family collectively not eating because of stress (show me someone who has the capacity to cook meals in those circumstances!), I was hanging out at a friend's house.

When I arrived, she looked me up and down and exclaimed about how “good” I was looking, then proceeded to ask me what I had done to “lose all that weight”. Exhausted and quite frankly pissed off, I gave her what might be the most awkward response possible: “It’s called the ‘sister having cancer’ diet! I would sooo recommend it!”

While in hindsight it was absolutely a dramatic response, the frustration and commentary about my body strikes a deeper chord. In recent years, we’ve made headway when it comes to ideal body standards. We collectively had a brief phase where we were all really into body positivity, before beginning to start hanging out with its distant cousin, body neutrality.

But despite what seems like progress, there are still much larger issues that we haven’t learned as a society, and unfortunately, complimenting weight loss is one of them. 

Stress can be a major contributor to weight loss. Image: iStock

Rarely does commentary about weight loss have any meaning that isn’t positive. It’s always seen to be a good thing that’s happened and something that we should all aspire to.

Weight loss compliments are seen to be the crème de la crème of flattery, a hidden marker that hey, at least something is going well in your life – even if you’re perpetually starving, stressed, and depressed. To many, it’s seen as the ultimate trade-off.

But when my stressed and thinner body is met with compliments and praise, it’s hard to see it as such, even from the most well-intentioned of people. When they like my smaller body, do they not see my gaunt, hollowed-under eyes that haven’t slept properly in weeks? Do they not see my thinning hair? Haven’t they realised that I smile less than I used to? 

What you see in your own body, sometimes differs from what others see. Image: iStock

When we consider the state of self-esteem and body dissatisfaction in Australia, the idea of complimenting weight loss is even more sinister. According to a 2023 report from The Butterfly Foundation, more than 90 per cent of young people have some concern about their body image – and that body image problems disproportionately affect women.

Additionally, when we consider that 60 per cent of Australians are trying to lose weight (according to the Australia Talks National Survey for 2021), our inclination to compliment starts to make more sense. After all, if the majority of people around you are dissatisfied with their body and trying to lose weight, it would only be natural to assume that weight loss is the ultimate goal.

But when I’m complimented for the smaller version of myself, it’s hardly a compliment at all. When only one version of ourselves is complimented and praised, what’s the message being sent to that larger version of ourselves? The version of myself who’s worked to unlearn diet culture, feeling bad about eating certain foods, or smaller portion sizes (if I’m hungry, I’m eating).

When only one version of ourselves is complimented and praised, what’s the message being sent to that larger version of ourselves? Image: Unsplash

That version of myself that is a bit happier and more social, maybe putting some extra kilos on from all those delicious deals with friends or big home-cooked feasts I have the energy to cook. The larger version of myself who’s worked on her body image and unlearning that thin is better but subconsciously finds herself longing for compliments on her body when she’s a bit larger.

The one whose thighs and arms grow thicker and stronger from weight lifting or Pilates classes. The one that’s constantly inundated with messaging that being thin is the first priority, and being happy and healthy is long in second place. 

So please, don’t compliment me on my weight loss. Compliment me on my big, beautiful brain. Or my shiny, thick hair. Or how much I’m smiling. Or my strength and kindness.

Lord, anything but being thin. 

If you or anyone you know need help or support for an eating disorder or concerns about body image, please call the Butterfly Foundation National Helpline on 1800 334 673.  

Mental health professionals are available 24/7 at the BeyondBlue Support Service –  1300 22 46 36 or via beyondblue.org.au/get-support for online chat (3pm-12am AEST)  or email response.

Originally published as 'Please, stop complimenting me on my weight loss'