Why we're changing schools for the fifth time in three years

"I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, but we have to do something." Please note: sensitive content

“What if this school just looks good on the outside but actually it’s just as bad as the others?” Henry, my 13-year-old asked me after a tour of a new school last term.

His concern makes sense.

Through no fault of his own, Henry has changed schools four times in the last three years. If he goes to this new school for year 8, it will be the fifth move.

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"It's a lot for his autistic brain"

First, he swapped to a primary school in Canada when we moved from Sydney, then had to make the switch to middle school six months later.

After 18 months, we returned to Australia to another school. The last switch was at the start of year 7 when we moved to a regional area where we could afford a house.

For the average person, that’s a lot of change, but for Henry’s autistic brain, I think that level of disruption simply does not compute. 

Sometimes I can hardly believe that we’re even considering it.

“I won’t know anyone. I don’t know how the school works. I don’t know what the teachers are like. How will I get there in the morning?”

He can rattle off a long list of fears about the unknown, but the main worry is that he’ll go through the trouble of changing, and nothing will actually change.

“My school right now was meant to be good – everyone said so – but there’s always this underbelly that regular people don’t know about.”

Image: Supplied

That underbelly he’s talking about is the bullying.

Wherever he goes, Henry gets bullied, but when his friends at his current school also started bullying, we decided something drastic needed to happen.

Although Henry has moved schools a lot, this is the first time we’ve made a choice to move him for his own safety and mental wellbeing. 

Although Henry usually encounters bullies, he usually also has friends who understand and love him.

Over the years, I’ve asked him about how his classmates react to his vocal stimming, his humming, his talking a mile a minute, his getting up in the middle of class and walking around. When he tells me about the kids who never mention it, I know those kids are keepers.

Image: Supplied

"High school kids have been less accepting"

I thought he had found a group until I discovered one of the boys was making racist comments. “Go back to the cotton fields” was one particularly appalling comment.

Since bullies have been everywhere so far, I can’t really blame Henry for worrying that bullies will be at the new school.

Except this new school seems magical. Kids and teachers are on first-name basis and they foster mutual respect. There’s a visual arts focus that suits Henry to a tee. I also heard through the grapevine that this school is where a lot of neurodiverse kids go.

All I see are green flags. All Henry sees is change.

During one of our discussions, I asked him to put aside his fears of change.

“Eventually it won’t feel new, you will have friends, you’ll get used to the commute. If you put all the change-related worries aside, what do you think of the school?”

“I think it’s a good school.”

“Do you want to try it?”

“OK. I’ll try it.”

Teenager changes his mind about moving schools for fifth time

Those conversations happened in term three. On the first day of term four, Henry and his friend made up. They apologised and forgave each other; things are going well.

“I don’t want to go anymore,” he told me the other day.

The wheels were already in motion – the transfer request was made, we’re developing his individual learning plan with the new school. It’s all happening, and too late for changing minds.

When I told Henry this, he baulked.

“You said I could change my mind any time!”

“I did, but you agreed that no matter what, you’d try two terms.”

“I’m really happy now though.”

That comment hit hard. Happy is the main thing we want him to be. Yes, learning is essential, but without happiness, there’s no learning, there’s just a miserable 13-year-old feeling shit about life and himself.

I thought about what he said and decided that if things go awry at the current school, and we’ve given up our spot at this hard-to-get-into school, I’ll never forgive myself.

“What if it’s wonderful?” I tried again.

“I’m sure it will be,” he said. “But I’m scared.”

Forcing a 13-year-old to make a big change against his will doesn’t sit right with me. But I think a parent’s job is to push kids to do the things we know they can do, and towards the future we know will be the best one for them.

Originally published as Why we're changing schools for the fifth time in three years