What’s ‘bird-nesting’ — and does it work after divorce?
Half a decade after Gwyneth Paltrow catapulted the phrase “conscious uncoupling” into the mainstream when she announced her separation to Chris Martin after 10 years of marriage, it’s “bird-nesting” that is on-trend. So what is it — and why is it catching on?
Parenting
Don't miss out on the headlines from Parenting. Followed categories will be added to My News.
Half a decade after Gwyneth Paltrow catapulted the phrase “conscious uncoupling” into the mainstream when she announced her separation to Chris Martin after 10 years of marriage, it’s “bird-nesting” that is on-trend.
Far from being just Hollywood-cool, it’s South Aussie mums and dads exploring new ways of approaching family life post-divorce.
The bird-nesting phenomenon is when parents act a bit like birds with a nest. Rather than kids being shuffled from mum’s to dad’s house, the adults rotate in and out of the family home.
While it isn’t without its flaws and is just one of many models being embraced, Australian Institute of Family Studies director Anne Hollonds says the fact separating parents are being more mindful of their kids’ needs is positive.
She says there is increased awareness around the value of co-parenting — or collaborative parenting — with people more willing to seek help to make it work than they once might have been.
“We’ve definitely reached a stage where there is much less stigma (around divorce) and also a greater level of maturity when it comes to understanding divorce is not an easy solution — that children can suffer a great deal, depending on how their parents manage it,” she says.
“We are seeing people who are much more willing to seek professional help and to seek it early … even making inquiries before they separate to try and minimise the disruption for children, to allow them to stay in the same school and have easy access to both mum and dad.
“It is about asking, ‘how can we as adults put our own needs aside, so the kids are looked after?’ I have noticed a much greater consciousness around these sorts of issues … I imagine it is what is driving this idea of bird-nesting.”
It is, she says, a “good-news story”. “We have progressively moved towards things like providing mediation, counselling and keeping people away from the courts altogether,” she says.
“Frankly, it is a huge shift and a sign of greater maturity and sophistication. That is a very good thing.”
Adelaide-based accredited family law specialist, Selina Nikoloudakis, agrees we are seeing changes in the way people are approaching family life post-divorce. As a result, her work is becoming “more technical and more creative” than it once was.
“Today a lawyer has to be more creative in terms of trying to come up with solutions in regard to property and parenting settlements — there is no standard approach,” says the senior associate at Mellor Olsson Lawyers.
Whenever possible, the aim is to prevent families from ending up in court and helping establish harmonious relationships for the long term, she says.
“The best outcome is always a good, co-operative working relationship that provides the parents with flexibility and allows children to maintain a strong relationship with both parents,” she says.
While there has been a slight drop in the rate of divorce in Australia, one in three marriages still ends in divorce. Ms Nikoloudakis says she is buoyed by the innovation shown by parents to ease the way for their children, following a breakup.
Increasingly, separated parents are reimagining good-natured ways to make it easy for kids to move — even to walk or ride their bikes — between houses and parents.
Similar to bird-nesting, there are instances where a parent will move into a granny flat on the property, to remain in proximity to the family and provide stability for kids.
“An added benefit is, parents are able to offer the support (to each other) while raising young children … and, if one parent hasn’t been the primary carer, it provides them the opportunity to learn the ropes in relation to the day-to-day caring of the children,” she says.
Others aim to create shared, family experiences and memories.
“I’ve come across situations where parents have gone on holidays together to give the children a memorable experience (as a family),” she says.
“Similarly, sharing special events such as Christmas or Easter together, (in which one parent) invites the other to participate in an Easter egg hunt together, or watching children open Christmas presents together … it is about both parents presenting as a united front.
“Or, holding a joint birthday party where both parents are involved in preparing for the celebration, so again the child sees a united front with mum and dad working together not against each other.
“I have also come across situations where each week the family will come together for dinner, for example, dad might come over at 6.30pm, share a meal find out about his little girl’s day and put her to bed.
“In other scenarios, parents may opt to purchase a house near each other so that as the children get older, they can easily travel between the two households.
“In another situation I am aware of, one parent remained in the matrimonial home for nine years until the children reached a certain age, so as to not disrupt the home — again, the parties wanted stability for the children.
“There are many examples of parents supporting each other despite being separated, they want to see the other one succeed — this sends a positive message to the children and reminds them while their parents may live in different houses, they are still a family unit.
“(Separation) is always a difficult process in the beginning and can seem overwhelming but from my experience and the parties I have assisted, it is possible to come up with flexible ways to co-parent, (for each parent to) be actively involved in bringing up their children and to build a good relationship with the other party … there really is light at the end of the tunnel,” she says.
But experts agree communication is key and using kids to convey messages is never OK.
“Unfortunately, I have come across situations where children become involved in the dispute between mum and dad and they become the messenger for the parents and that is not good … it puts unnecessary pressure on the child,” Ms Nikoloudakis says.
“Parents have to be able to communicate effectively not only to get themselves through this difficult and challenging time but also to help their children who didn’t want mum and dad to separate.
“I want parties to be amicable … one day lawyers will no longer be involved and (the parents) will have to be able to work together for the benefit of the children.”
Using emails and other online apps and aids can help when face-to-face communication is too hard.
It’s a point not lost on Port Lincoln mum-of-two Ilke Curtis, who separated from her husband several years ago and recognises the value of good, easy communication.
It has motivated her to create an app she plans to soon commercially release, hoping it will make it easier for parents to manage life post-separation by helping them plan for and share in their children’s lives.
“At the end of the day, it is all about the children … (and) embracing the situation and understanding you can still be happy and fulfilled and live a great life separated, it is just a different way of living,” she says.
“It’s not always easy when people are getting hurt and feelings are raw … that’s where this app comes in, to help mum and dad communicate and co-parent well, as they want to.” Accredited family law specialist and mum-of-three Melanie Wyatt, also knows first-hand how challenging life post-divorce can be.
So disillusioned by the process and “unpleasant lawyers’ letters” she endured almost a decade and a half ago when her children were aged just three, five and seven, she decided to study law herself, specialising in family law, so she could help others.
Today she works at Melbourne’s Kennedy Guy law firm, doing just that.
“I learnt through personal experience, some lawyer letters antagonise a situation rather than calming things down to help parties resolve their issues,” she says.
“I am very passionate about family dispute resolution (mediation), whether it is solicitor-assisted or not, it is all about helping clients learn to communicate.
“At the start, things are always going to be very raw and initially after separation it is very hard as everyone is feeling anxious. But, if you are arguing, you are not focusing on the real issue, what is most important, and that is the children.
“The most important thing is learning how to communicate, to put aside your feelings and (the) rawness from the separation … and instead focus on how to work together as co-parents for the future — your children will appreciate it.
“You’ve got to let some things slide, not everything has to be a battle, and focus on what is in the children’s best interest and helping them fill their best potential … learning how to communicate and how to co-parent is great for everyone, if you can let things go, you will have really happy children.”
For her family, the proof is in the pudding — or, in their case, a recent 21st birthday celebration.
“Our eldest daughter turned 21 and her dad (who lives interstate) came over and we had extended family celebrations … she was very grateful we could all celebrate achieving her milestone together and just loved having both of her parents there to celebrate, at the one event with the people she loves,” she says.
“It is incredibly sad when you hear of families who separate, and parents who can’t stand to be in the same room — even for their child’s wedding or (other) special event.”
Far from being a celebrity-watcher, Ms Wyatt still says there are those among the rich and famous with messages worth listening to.
Take Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen, who dated for 10 years before splitting in September 2017, and share custody of a young daughter, Briar Rose.
“I love this quote from Bilson: ‘Most important for me is that Briar is okay and secure and stable. No matter what I’m dealing with or how much it hurts or how much anger there is, it’s just about her.
“She’s right, it’s not letting the anger or emotions take over as children need parents to co-parent, to work together and to be there for them,” Ms Wyatt says.
Tips to help for create co-operation
Learn to communicate: If you cannot communicate face-to-face, use email. There are programs and apps that have been developed, such as an online communication book, which both parties can sign up for.
Don’t make your child the messenger: It is not the role of the child or the children to be the messenger and puts unnecessary pressure on them.
Be imaginative and creative: Think outside the box to come up with positive outcomes and flexible arrangements that will work for YOUR family.
Enrol in a parenting course: Yes, you know how to parent, but it is a different situation when you are a separated family and you are dealing with a new set of circumstances. You can learn tips and get advice to make things easier for you and to assist your co-parenting relationship.
Put the effort in early: If you don’t put the effort in early and try to work co-operatively, it will impact on your relationship with the other parent and potentially your children.
Embrace mediation: If you refuse mediation, (you) risk proceeding to court litigation and an uncertain outcome. You place the decision about your family with an independent umpire (a judge) that has never met you — in terms of the length of (this) process, you could be looking at two-and-a-half years by which time the children are older and your situation may have changed. Your best option is to work it out between yourselves with the help of a lawyer or mediator.
Don’t give up: There is light at the end of the tunnel, with focus and resolve, you and your family will rebuild itself and move on. There is no embarrassment in saying you are separated, you just need to be proactive and get the advice you need early on so you can make informed decisions.
— Selina nikoloudakis
The celebs that co-parent
Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner
Split after 10 years of marriage and have three children and have spoken of shared holidays. “Ben was working in London, on Justice League, and I felt like, ‘Well, the kids should have that experience.’ And he and I are great friends, and we just all went en masse,”
Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin
Ended their 10-year marriage in 2014, parents to two children: “[Martin is] a great dad and so, I feel lucky that we both, along the way, have been able to really put down our own stuff while we’re together with the family and that we make it a priority to be together so that the transition for the children wasn’t, you know, as brutal as it could be.
Naomi Watts & Liev Schreiber
Split after 11 years together … he has spoken about their friendship: “It’s important to support each other,” he said. “I was making some jokes at breakfast about Mommy with the boys and their eyes light up when I talk about her. You can see how important it is to them that their parents care about each other.” She in turn talks up his daddy skills on her social media.
34yo Aussie gives birth to baby with ‘no dad’
The AFL WAG has welcomed her “dream” baby girl and revealed her very old-fashioned name.
The first-day-of-school moment that finally made me crack
I briefly wondered if a lack of tears on my part might make me a bad mum, writes Lauren Novak.