My six-year-old swears and here’s why we’re not stopping him

"Two thoughts popped into my head. One was, well-said, and the other was, where did he learn how to swear?" admits self-described "potty mouth" mum Haylie.

I have a confession to make: my six-year-old is allowed to swear, but wait, hear me out…

As a parent, it’s tough modelling decent behaviour in front of our kids. We’re tired, stressed out, and trying desperately to hold our shit together on a daily basis.

We’re doing our best to raise happy, well-adjusted kids, thrive in our careers, work out, cook healthy, gourmet meals, catch up with the girls, have date night, save money, and walk the dog all in a 168-hour week.

Juggling the demands of everyday life without dropping a few unintentional F-bombs here and there is nigh-on impossible for any human being. I was reminded of this reality when my six-year-old let out a very well-articulated f*ck! when he couldn’t manage to tie his shoelaces.

Two thoughts immediately popped into my head. One was, well-said, and the other was, where did he learn how to swear?

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"We're also potty-mouths"

I like to think that my husband and I are decent role models for our two boys. We work hard, are considerate of others and generally see the glass as half full, but we’re also potty mouths. My husband is a builder so he’s basically effing and blinding for most of his work week.

I’m an emotional swearer and use salty language to express the many emotional highs and lows I go through in a day, and that includes the occasional f*ck! when some bozo collides with my car at a roundabout.

I thought we’d been doing pretty well at toning down our expletives in front of the kids until we witnessed Mr Six-year-old really giving it to his shoelaces. Mr Three-year-old even added in his two bob a couple of days later when he announced that “Dadda says f*ck”.

It was time to address the elephant in the room: is it ok to let your kids swear?

Haylie and her family. Source: supplied

"Do as I say and not as I do"

If you were to ask this question 30 years ago the answer would of course be hell no. We grew up in the late 80s/early 90s during a time when kids were meant to be seen and not heard and do as I say not as I do was model parenting.

Modern parenting is an era where you can be any parent you want to be - there are helicopter parents, tiger parents, jellyfish parents, parents who let their babies nap outside, and the list goes on.

While we tend to err on the side of strict in our parenting style - we’re sticklers for manners, bedtimes, and eating all your vegetables - there is one area of parenting that we take a very relaxed approach to - showing your emotions.  

Our house has always been an open forum for whatever grievances or daily irritations we’re all going through. We even have one of those decals on the wall: In this house we are real, we make mistakes, we say I’m sorry, we do really loud etc. etc. We all know that little humans have some big emotions and we want them to know that we acknowledge every emotion.

We never want our boys to feel like they have to censor their emotions around us. Whatever you’re feeling just let it out! And if that includes a swear word here and there then what’s the big deal? 

We realise this is controversial but rest assured that we have three very strict rules when it comes to letting our six-year-old swear: you can only swear at home (never at school!), you are never allowed to swear AT someone, and less is more.

We have our inside-the-house words and our outside-the-house words and we’re happy with that. 

Source: Haylie Gordon

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"There's a time and place for swearing"

Much like learning not to talk with a mouth full of food and why it’s inappropriate to wee in the neighbour’s garden, understanding that there is a time and a place for swearing is a worthwhile social skill for kids to have.

In fact, Timothy Jay, professor emeritus of psychology at the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts believes that having the strategies to know where and when it’s appropriate to swear is a valuable social cognitive skill. 

And you have to admit that swearing is cathartic. On a day when nothing is going to plan, letting out a great big F-bomb provides just the release you need. Our six-year-old mostly lets out his blasphemous grievances when he's playing LEGO.

He's one of the most impatient kids I've ever met, and one who loves the phrase "shit-a-brick". So we know that when he's trying to be a real-life LEGO Master that we'll be hearing "shit-a-brick!", "shit-a-brick!" "shit-a-brick!" coming from the playroom. When my husband asked him why he likes to say “shit-a-brick”, Mr Six-year-old replied with “I just get so frustrated.” 

When I looked into the science of swearing, I discovered that swearing not only feels good but it’s also good for you. Swearing has been linked to several benefits such as stress management, pain relief, and increased honesty, which we discovered was an added benefit of allowing our six-year-old to swear.

Once we’d given the ok to let the occasional therapeutic curse word come out, we noticed a pleasant change in Mr Six-year-old’s attitude. He started sharing a lot more about his daily comings and goings than he had before. Instead of the mundane “good” reply when asked how was school, he was more than happy to share insights on the ever-changing social hierarchy of the school playground and even confessed to a particularly naughty incident that we would’ve otherwise not known about. 

Deciding whether or not you’re going to let your kids swear is a personal choice. What works for one family doesn’t necessarily work for another.

For our family, we decided we’d prefer our little one’s venture into the world of swearing to start at home instead of in the playground where the line between swearing for yourself and swearing to hurt someone’s feelings can often get blurred.

My husband believes that swearing is a natural human reaction to negative feelings - so why bottle them in? If we, as adults, are swearing to make ourselves feel better about a particularly upsetting incident, how can we put a negative spin on swearing? He believes in being 100 percent authentic and teaching our boys the same, and I couldn’t agree more.

Do as I say not as I do has no place in our home.

Originally published as My six-year-old swears and here’s why we’re not stopping him