My mum is a 'Con Mum' like the one on Netflix. She destroyed me

"I lost my entire house because of her, but exactly like Dionne Hanna, she took so much more than money."

When I watched the new Netflix doco Con Mum (Con Mom as it was first called), I was distraught for days. 

Because Graham Hornigold, who was ripped off, blindsided and abused as an adult by a woman claiming to be his mum, was able to move on without her - but I haven't been able to let go of the woman who is still doing something similar to me.

I still answer her calls, see her occasionally, update her on the grandkids; even though she's destroyed my life again and again for 20 years.

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"Mum gives with one hand and takes with the other"

In Con Mum, Hornigold, who spent the first couple of years of his life in foster care, and then lived with his abusive dad until he was 18, is messaged by Dionne Hanna on Facebook - who claims to be his mum.

Despite building a successful career and having a loving wife who's expecting their baby, Hornigold is so scarred from Hanna's abandonment, he puts his faith in her going forward.

In the doco, Hanna carefully and purposefully builds her son's trust - making him believe she's his mum... and also the illegitimate daughter of the Sultan of Brunei. She lures him into an unbelievable, international web of deceit, then leaves him with such a mess he knows he's better off without her.

Hornigold is not stupid - he's desperate. I recognised that immediately, because it's how I've put up with my mum hurting me for so many years.

He's so desperate to have a mum; and I can relate to that. It's what kept me in this horrible cycle for so long. Imagine having a mum who loves you and is generous with her praise and affection. That's a common thing for so many people, but not for me or Hornigold.

Yes, my mum has been around - but love, acceptance and respect have been completely missing in our relationship.

Yes, my mum has been generous with finances - but I see now how damaging it was because she loves telling people how she's "supported" me, getting accolades from others; but then tells me how I'd be nothing without her.

The best example I can give you is my home. It was gifted to me. Yes, very lucky, I know. I see now it was also a major tax break for her.

Graham Hornigold with Dionne Hanna in 'Con Mum/ConMom'. Image: Netflix

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"I was made to to give my home to her"

A decade later when she wanted to "cash in her investment", which I didn't know was her plan, I was made to sign it back to her. I was threatened with no contact, an outcome which was unfathomable to me. Desperate not to lose her, I gave up the home.

A property that was legally mine; I was made to feel like I hadn't earned it, so she could take it back when she wanted. 

And then, she told our family that life decisions I'd made (I was struggling with alcohol addiction as my  husband had left us at the time)  meant I couldn't be trusted. She told me to my face that I didn't deserve the home and needed to prove myself worthy.

And at the weakest point in my life, I believed her.

I'd known that for some time that was the narrative she sold to others, but it wasn't until recently that it finally clicked; I would never be worthy. I'd never deserve any respect or love from her.

I was simply being controlled.

What hurts the most is that I've spent most of my adult life trying to win her approval. She hurts, belittles, gaslights me and it just makes me try harder for her love.

It's also affected my relationship with the extended family, almost everyone, who believes what she tells them - that I am a shame on her. 

That everyone should be disgusted by me and because she's my mum, and given me so much in other ways, they've believed her, like I did.

I've finally found the truth in all of this, and it's largely thanks to Con Mum and Graham Hornigold's story.

He's an inspiration to me. No role models, an unstable and brutal childhood, parents who utterly failed him. What Hanna does to him as an adult costs him about $600k and many of his relationships.

At the end, Hanna shares one final twist with him, the most hurtful one of all - and he's simply done with her. 

Watching him do that, I wondered, what's wrong with me that I can't do that? When I've had so many of the advantages he hasn't?

And then it finally clicked to me;  my mum's narrative isn't true. They are not advantages in the way I was made to believe. 

Just because I am not worthy to her, doesn't mean I'm not worthy at all.

Like Hornigold, I have finally realised I'm better off without my mother. I just wished I'd worked it out much sooner.

Originally published as My mum is a 'Con Mum' like the one on Netflix. She destroyed me