My husband was too lazy to show up for our divorce

"I ate our divorce cake alone, anyway."

It’s one of those moments you’ve been building up and waiting for.

The number of days spent being anxious and sick with worry, waiting for my divorce.

Will he show up in court? Will he contest anything? Is he going to steal my dogs?

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"So many women alone"

The courthouse is as gloomy and cold as you expect. Just like my heart.

There’s so many women there alone, all waiting for their case to be heard. Except for the male lawyers, there’s no other guys in sight.

One finally shows up late, covered in sweat. The woman opposite me spots him, scowls, walks up to him and hisses “why are YOU here?”

I’m trying not to stare as I wait for more tea. But just like the sad waiting room coffee machine, it’s not forthcoming with anything good.

I mean at least that soon-to-be ex-husband showed up, mine didn’t. Kinda funny really and not at all like how he was as a husband...

Carli and her divorce cake. Image: supplied

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"Just like that, it's all over"

I get called into the court room after the lawyered-up cases clear out.

I’m finally thankful for my surname starting with the first letter of the alphabet, worlds apart from all the torturous years presenting first at school.

The registrar asks me if I wanted to proceed. Yep. She states when we were married and separated and tells me my divorce certificate will be available online in a month. Righto.

Just like that, it’s all over. Two minutes tops. It took me longer to find parking.

I left court and went to buy a double scoop of my favourite ice cream, like all big life celebrations call for (obviously).

Then I go home and mow the lawn, because I don’t need a man for that either.

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"It was a lonely day"

I’m kind of glum though. It was a lonely day, and cutting through the long winter weeds is making me work up a sweat.

I perk up when I remember that the guy I was married to for six years can no longer get his hands of anything of mine, and if I die he’s not my default recipient of my assets as my legal spouse.

Heck yes! That was actually one of my driving factors for putting through the divorce the very first day I could.

I certainly didn’t have the money to file for divorce, but I also didn’t want him to get my house if I got hit by a bus.

Morbid? Yes, but also realistic. I’m the daughter of a single mother after all.

I followed in her footsteps to get divorced in her mid-thirties as well. Oops, probably not a tradition I want to carry on for generations. I also beat the average for how long my marriage lasted, as well as how short the time between separation and divorce was. Winning!

So just like I did most of my marriage alone, I also faced divorce alone in the sterile courtroom. A fitting end to a big chapter of my life, and not one I want a replay of anytime soon!

I’ve far too busy cutting my grass anyway. Not a therapist-endorsed definition of winning.

Originally published as My husband was too lazy to show up for our divorce