My husband treated me like an ATM. It was almost criminal

"It was my fault that my marriage - which had a 21-year age gap - cost my parents just under $1 million in a decade."

I should have known. The signs were massive red flags waved constantly but I still missed them because I was young (there was 21 years between us) and stupid... and in love.

When my new boyfriend’s ex-wife told me she was excited to have "someone with money" in the family – meaning me – I was shocked. Why did she think that? I was a uni student!

Later I realised my boyfriend of three months had told her that. He had noted something about me immediately that I didn’t realise was important to him – and so important that he even mentioned it to his ex-wife.

It was the fact that my parents were wealthy.

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Finacial abuse is often insidious. Source: iStock

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I was a soft target

Of course, it makes me angry to think about it now – that my parents and I were seen as an easy target to relieve his financial burdens. I feel sick with guilt and responsibility that I didn’t realise how the coercive control in my relationship cost my parents just under $1 million over a decade.

My parents’ money did not come easy to them. They are the hardest working people I’ve ever known. Even into their 60s, they worked 50+ hours a week.

Being loving and extraordinarily generous parents, they never wanted me to have to make the same sacrifices. But I never got off like a trust fund baby - I worked in the family businesses on weekends and school holidays every year from age 12 to when I graduated from university.

It was expected that I contribute to the life I was given and I never had a problem with that. I was taught humility and gratitude, and I've taught my kids that, too.

Which is why it just makes me feel even more stupid for the mistakes I made in my marriage (we've been divorced for years now). I knew what it took for my parents to give me my life and I spent some of what they slogged for on a man who treated me like a limitless ATM.

But that's coercive control for you.

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He was happy as long as the money kept coming

On the night before our wedding, my husband-to-be told me his latest project (he was self-employed) needed a cash injection and demanded that he be able to borrow against a small apartment that I owned freehold. As soon as his project was over, I’d see the mortgage removed.

I asked my parents - at that time, they trusted him too and thought the transaction would be safe. Or at least, something husbands and wives do for each other – even though I had no stake in his business.

There was no way they'd create a problem on our wedding eve, and my manipulative husband to be knew what he was doing with the timing.

They trusted me, and I let them down

Over the years, despite my husband repeatedly making a loss in his big projects, my parents bailed us out repeatedly.

“The next one will be the jackpot,” my husband said, and I believed him.

Looking back, it was total lunacy. How could I have done that to my parents – I will never forgive myself.

And yes, it was always me – my husband would tell me what he needed and like a fool, I would go to my parents, and they never let me down. Not matter the price.

We all thought it was the right thing to do; an investment in a family business (even though it was only his). In reality, it was a symptom of the coercive control in my marriage.

We were being played and I allowed that to happen. 

He asked for some of my inheritance

The best example of how this man felt comfortable demanding portions of my parents’ 40-year slog was when my beautiful father died - a good 10 years after our divorce.

Three weeks after dad passed, with no condolences, my ex-husband called to make his final demand.

“I know you’ll get money from your dad. I need some of it,” he told me.

This coming from a man who was so angry at being cut off from his ATM when we separated, he didn’t even pay child support.

I would say I was astounded by his audacity but really – I’d simply taught him how to behave.

But he'd also taken advantage of that. Of course, I didn't ever give him another cent.

Originally published as My husband treated me like an ATM. It was almost criminal