My 7yo was excluded from her best friend's party for a confusing reason

“Mummy, why was I the only one not invited?”

I had my first real birthday party when I was seven years old.

I say ‘real’ because this was the first time I was really in charge of the invite list. All the other times it was handled by my parents who either invited their friends or, in the case of kindergarten, the whole class.

I remember sitting next to my mother in the loungeroom and she wrote down the names as I called them out. After I’d rattled off about 10 names I yelled ‘done’ and was about to walk off when my mother pulled me back.

“What about Poppy?” she asked.

I shrugged my shoulders.

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"She told me she forgot"

“No, sweetheart. You have to invite Poppy because Poppy invited you to her party earlier in the year. That’s just how things go – if people are nice to you and include you then you must be nice back to them.”

Easy enough, right? Well, apparently that’s just not how things are done anymore.

My seven-year-old daughter Alice* has been crying on-and-off for the past week after she was deliberately excluded from the birthday party of a girl she not only plays with at school daily, but who she also invited to her party. And she considered her her best friend.

It all happened one Friday afternoon when she came home to tell me she had been invited to her school friend Elizabeth’s* party. Only she did not have an invite.

“It’s OK, mum. She told me she forgot. Can you ask her mum when it’s on, please?”

Given kids (my own included) routinely forget things, I thought nothing of it and messaged Elizabeth’s mother to get the party details before I, too, forgot. I felt comfortable enough to message her as the girls have been close since kindergarten. At one stage she had even asked me if I would pick up Elizabeth, so she did not need to attend after-school care.

I was straightforward and apologised saying that Elizabeth had invited Alice to her party but forgot her invitation.

“It’s OK,” I assured her. “I know what kids are like. Just hoping to get the details now before I forget later down the track.”

Rachel* replied: “Oh goodness! Elizabeth was put on the spot. She didn’t know how to respond because the other girls were talking about it!”

Given that really wasn’t an answer, I asked her again if there was a mix-up with the invitations. Again, she sidestepped my question. Undeterred, I eventually asked her point blank: "Sorry. I'm just confused. Is there a party and she's not invited?"

Image: supplied/iStock

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"Mummy why was I the only one not invited?"

"Yes," came the reply.

My heart sank. It broke. It felt as though someone with an iron fist had punched me square in the chest.

I asked if there was a reason, to which she replied that it was only a “small party.” Given Elizabeth was only one of a handful of girls invited to Alice’s last party and given how close they are (or were) I asked for an explanation. None was given. I messaged the mother of another girl in their group. Yes, she was invited. No, she could not understand why Alice was not.

That night I held my baby girl as she wept into my lap and asked: “Mummy, why was I the only one not invited?”

I didn’t have an answer then and I still don’t. But I did my best to explain that sometimes people are mean for no reason at all. I emphasised the love that surrounded her and told her that the people that truly matter to us will always include us. I get it - there’s a cost-of-living crisis, and things are expensive but a young child’s happiness shouldn’t act as collateral for a parent's budgeting drama.

I asked friends for their advice. A few encouraged me to look at the incident as a blessing saying, “it will teach her resilience.” I don’t completely disagree; I only wish this lesson were saved for a time when she was a little bit older because right now isn’t the time. I don’t want my child to grow up hard and cynical and mean.

And despite all that, I still want her to abide by that unspoken social rule - kindness.

Originally published as My 7yo was excluded from her best friend's party for a confusing reason