'I won't keep my child's secrets from her dad - but don't tell her I said that'

"Where does my loyalty lie, my husband or my child?" How do you manage secrets in your family? 

Growing up, I remember confiding in my mum about boys I liked or schoolyard drama, and I always expected she’d keep it to herself and not tell my dad - especially if I asked her to.

Now, as a parent myself, I couldn’t imagine not discussing anything with my husband.

Having a marriage built on a foundation of open communication and honesty, the idea of keeping secrets from him just wouldn’t be something I’d be comfortable doing.

However, what if our daughter told me something in confidence?

Where does my loyalty lie, my husband or my child?

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No secrets up in here

A mum has taken to TikTok to share her way of dealing with the balance between keeping your child’s trust and being honest with your partner.

“We have a rule that if our children tell us something in confidence, the other parent can’t react,” she says in the video, which has amassed over 4,000 likes.

“I don’t expect them to keep secrets for me, but I also want to keep the trust of my children; therefore, when I tell them these things, they cannot go back and sound the alarms,” she added.

The woman then divulges she has since remarried and has to juggle the lines of communication with her ex-husband and current husband along with keeping the trust of her three kids.

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A mixed bag of responses

The comments were filled with support for the mum’s approach.

“That’s my husband and I’s rule too. I’m telling you everything, but you can’t tell them you know,” one posted.

“My kids talk to both of us, but most of the time, I have to act surprised and like my feelings are hurt,” shared another.

However, amongst those who agreed with the strategy, many revealed their own parents adopted the same approach and it did more harm than good.

“My parents were like this, and we stopped telling them anything,” said one.

Another agreed and wrote, “I was a teenager when I found out that my parents would tell each other things that I had asked them not to, Totally broke my trust and at 40 I still have trouble telling them things now.”

One questioned, “Unless it’s something serious that the other parent needs to be aware of, I don’t understand needing to tell them something if your child asks you not to.”

“The only time my husband and I shared anything was if it could harm them, but we also told our boys that it was a secret we couldn’t keep,” said another.

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Is there a one-size-fits-all approach to this? Source: TikTok

Is there a right or wrong answer?

Agreeing to keep your child’s secret from your spouse/partner puts you in a difficult situation to navigate.

If you agree to keep it, you’re withholding information from your partner, but if you don’t agree, your child could decide to keep it to themselves and never reveal it at all. 

Many experts believe that more difficult issues arise when adolescents open up about their experiences with substance use, sexual activity, or emotions like anger and depression. 

It's crucial for young people to have a safe space to discuss these deeply personal and intense matters. 

However, they may hesitate to do so if they fear that one parent will betray their trust by sharing their conversations with the other.

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Are some things just for mums' ears only? Source: iStock

Don’t agree to keep it a secret?

Concealing information from your spouse or partner can severely damage trust within the relationship. 

If your child expresses a desire to share something with you but insists on keeping it from your spouse, view it as a pivotal moment to tell them about the importance of honesty and transparency in your marriage.

Let your child know that in your relationship, openness and trust are valued above all else. 

The grey in the black and white

I think that you cannot approach this totally black and white.

While I want my husband to be seen as a trusted parent who will approach anything my daughter brings to him with patience and understanding, I also appreciate that she probably won’t always feel comfortable discussing EVERYTHING.

I guess I’m pretty lucky, given my daughter is only 16 months old, and we have some time up our sleeves to navigate this.

Originally published as 'I won't keep my child's secrets from her dad - but don't tell her I said that'