'I promised myself I'd leave after Christmas... for three years'

"I was a cliche, staying for the kids - because what kind of mother would ruin her children's Christmas?" a woman tells Kidspot about trying to end her marriage.

For three Christmases in a row, I would tell my mum that I was leaving my husband as soon as the decorations came down.

For three years, I didn't do it.

So why was I leaving it until after Christmas? Why didn't I just go?

Because I was one of those mums who stayed for the kids for a decade, and there was no way I was going to ruin their magical Christmas.

That's what I would tell myself, year after year.

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I faked Christmas merriment for too long. Source: iStock

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It's not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone

Many people's relationships crumble during the festive season. All the extra time together, money spent, pressures... that all contributes to highlighting problems you might already have.

That's certainly what happened to me.

After five years of marriage and two kids, I went from loving the magic of Christmas to dreading it. Managing my husband's parents, his sister's family - hosting essentially on my own as I shopped, prepared, decorated...

I did it for my kids, of course, but their enjoyment is all I really got out of it.

My husband got to enjoy time off work and take credit for every present that was opened.

There was a definite imbalance in our marriage throughout the year, of course, and as the years went on, I became increasingly frustrated by his resistance to change, and yes, being gaslit into thinking if I just changed my attitude, everything would be happy again - like we used to be.

But by the time the end of the year came, I was just exhausted. Emotionally, physically... I just didn't want to do the work anymore for someone so unappreciative.

I would get to that point every festive season.

So years before I finally left, I decided that I needed to end things. Christmas should be a joy, my kids deserved that, and so did I.

Life should always be a joy as much as possible, actually.

And so one year, in November, I called my mum and told her I was leaving my husband... after Christmas.

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I told myself I was staying for the kids

Looking back, deciding to leave until I was utterly spent at the end of a year - just before Christmas, was a bit of a procrastination tactic.

A legitimate one, though.

Anyone who's left a marriage/relationship will know it's one of the hardest calls to make, and sometimes you just can't do it until you've reached your absolute limit.

That's how it was for me.

For three years, I reached the point of desperation leading to Christmas, fed up of another year of life with my husband... and would decide, that's it, after Christmas, this marriage will be over.

I know it's a cliche, but then I would tell myself, "What kind of mother would crush their kids' world just before Christmas?" Of course it had to be after another year of faking it.

It was only once I'd come to terms with the past decade that I felt I was able to move forward. I finally came to see that the 'turmoil' of leaving, and the 'destroying' of my childrens' Christmas - the things I was so worried about - were a small price to pay.

Especially when you're fighting for your future. 

Go easy on yourselves

I know now there are a lot of people not wanting to rock the boat right now, keeping silent for the sake of everyone else, just before Christmas.

I know you're exhausted, maybe even feeling defeated. I get it. 

I am definitely not the only one who's been there. So I want to say, you're not alone.

But more than anything, I want to say, as long as you're safe, don't be hard on yourself for staying. You haven't 'lost'.

It is a HUGE decision, with many factors, complex emotions... so much so that many who want to leave, end up staying.

It took me three Christmases of wanting out before I finally could do it. You will eventually get there, if you want to. Just take care of yourself until you do.

Originally published as 'I promised myself I'd leave after Christmas... for three years'