I felt I'd failed when my 8yo said he was body shamed by his 'friend'

"I can’t wear my pants with my school top, because I get called fat," the boy tearfully told his mum.

As I walked past my son’s bedroom while he was getting ready for school, I noticed that he was wearing shorts instead of pants. The temperature outside was four degrees. 

I told him, “You need to wear pants to school today,” an argument that had been going on every day since winter started.

That is when he told me, with tears in his eyes, “I can’t wear my pants with my school top, because I get called fat”.  He was eight years old. 

Body shaming in primary school boys has always been around. Boys are often told that they should have muscles, be lean or athletic. They should be the strongest or the fastest, even when they are not. 

The human body and puberty are taught in schools, but do they teach children what the effects of body shaming does? Or even the mental health issues that arise from body shaming others?

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"I felt like I had failed him as his mum"

To see Mr Eight so upset and distraught about being called fat made me feel helpless. He wasn’t overweight or even slightly pudgy. 

“The main kid saying this to you, is he overweight or bigger than you?” I asked.

He looked at me confused. “Yes,” he answered reluctantly.

And that’s when it hit me - this boy was treating my son like this because someone is doing it to him. I felt sorry for him, I wasn’t even mad at him. He was lashing out because it was probably being done to him and he didn’t know how to deal with his own feelings of his body image. 

“Is that why you aren’t eating much and you're being funny about wearing some of your favourite clothes?” I asked.

He nodded and my heart dropped. 

I felt like I had failed him as his mum.

"I thought he was just being difficult"

I thought about the recent movie nights we'd had as a family. We'd all get our favourite treats. Mr Eight with his bag of Maltesers - but lately, he would only eat one and leave the rest. 

I looked at his wardrobe of clothes - Pokémon, basketball and other cool T-shirts - and realised he'd barely worn any of them.  He chose to wear the same, oversized T-shirt that reached halfway down his thighs.  

I never understood why he got so upset or stubborn about changing his clothes. I thought he was just being difficult.

I would make his favourite meals for dinner, serve the same amount I always had, but he would tell me he was full after a few bites. I would then get angry at him for wasting food. 

He would always shy away from photos, and if we managed to get one of him, he'd yell, “don’t post that anywhere!”

Image: iStock

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"That’s your body getting ready for you to grow some more"

With my boy sitting in front on me, his face buried in a pillow crying, everything started to come together and I hated that I had been so oblivious to it. 

My first instinct was to go into mama bear mode - go to the school and yell at anyone who would listen. But what good would that do my son?

I took a deep breath, cradled his beautiful face with both my hands. Wiping his tears with my thumbs, I kissed him on his nose and said “Baby, don’t ever think you are fat. The boy saying this to you could be going through his own thing and has decided that you are an easy target to lash out at.

“It’s not OK for him to do that to you but you know the truth. You know you are healthy and active. You have a family that adores you and you never have to be ashamed to talk to me or Daddy about anything."

Finally, he stopped crying, looked up at me with his long wet lashes, wrapped his arms around me and said, “Thank you, Mummy. But what about this?” He pointed to his little tummy. 

“You are a growing boy, you need to put on a little weight so your body can grow," I told him. "That’s not fat, honey, that’s your body getting ready for you to grow some more.”

“OK, Mummy,” he said finally, starting to smile. 

Mr Eight is now Mr 10 and is doing a lot better. He is more open about his feelings about things going on at school. He wears everything in his wardrobe (including his school pants) and is eating all his favourite meals.

The one thing he is still funny about is taking photos but that’s OK - I know my boy is happy and healthy and that’s all that matters.  

Originally published as I felt I'd failed when my 8yo said he was body shamed by his 'friend'