A school mum wants to be my friend. How do I tell her to leave me alone?

"I don’t want to be friends with her. She has no boundaries, I don’t align with how she parents her kids," a mother needs advice as another mum wants to be her friend. 

How do you let a fellow school mum down gently who wants you to be her friend, but you don't want to be hers?

Advice Needed

A mum from my son's school seems to want to be my friend. Initially, I thought she was harmless, so we caught up for a couple of coffees. Her son has stayed at my place, just normal things, but now she calls, texts, sends links and memes and even turns up at my house unannounced.

In the space of a couple of days, she has called nine times. All of which I haven’t answered or called back. She’s texted 11 times. She’s texted via messenger nine times and texted on insta four times. I haven’t responded to any. She’s started to ask if I’m okay because she obviously realises I'm ignoring her. I don’t want to be friends with her. She has no boundaries, I don’t align with how she parents her kids (pays them to go to school, doesn’t discipline them, allows them to treat her like crap, all of which she’s expressed to me), and she’s too high maintenance for me.

How do I approach this now that the message isn’t getting across, just ignoring her? She has some mental health issues and has no friends because she is so obsessive, so I don’t want to completely crush her, but I want to be firm that we aren’t and won’t be friends. Also, we live in a small town where we will cross paths at school, supermarket etc. It’s awkward now because she’s contacted me so many times and I’ve ignored her so many times.

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Jordana's Advice 

It's a myth that friendships get easier as you get older. That is not true; it's the same drama with bank accounts and more responsibilities. 

In this situation there's a lot to unpack - but can I say first and foremost, you are allowed to choose who you are friends with and socialise with. You don't have to be friends with someone just because the kids are. Some of my kids' closest friends on the playground are mere 'wave and walk on' friendships. 

I know for my close friendship circle, we have to pencil in dinners months in advance, and nine times out of ten, there's one or two who can't make it on the day. That's life with kids and partners. So with the limited time you have to yourself, it's not selfish or rude to want to spend it with like-minded people.  

The easiest way to get out of seeing her would be to ask your son if he's still friends with the boy in question - you never know. They might not be anymore, and that's your out. Just say the boys are taking some space from each other, and in doing so, so are you. 

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With 11 messages a day - this mum is coming on a little too strong. Source: iStock

It's not you, it's me

If not, it's hard to put pressure on your son to dump a friend just to avoid his mum. Try to let her down gently. Ignoring her isn't getting the message across; ghosting doesn't work if the other person doesn't realise they're being ghosted. 

Let's be honest. Ignoring someone is not nice; we wouldn't want our kids to do that, either. And while yes, constant messages and DMs are annoying, honesty is a much better policy. Unannounced drop-ins are a completely different scenario - that's beyond even my parents and in-laws' call-on approach! Which is why you should nip it in the bud. You don't want to get to a point where you're hiding in your own home because she's at the front door. 

You could send her a message saying:

"Hi xx. Sorry, I haven't gotten back to you. It's a crazy time of year, as you know. I know the boys have been hanging out lately, and I am glad they are, but at the moment, I am stretched thin. I don't mean to be rude, but catching up is hard now. I'm glad the boys are friends and hope they will remain that way."

Let's hope a message like that is received loud and clear - and she will fade out her calls and texts over time. 

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I'm not a regular mum, I'm a cool mum

We can't control who our kids become friends with - they need to learn that on their own - and they often do. The more you push them away from a friend, the more they want them. So it's best to let him come to that conclusion. If he ever wants to come to you to talk about it, always be ready and open to do so. But bringing it up yourself will always backfire.

If you want to address the parenting issues with her directly, that's a whole other ballgame; for most, that would end a friendship. I mean, I know that would be it for me.  Also, remember that not everyone will parent the way you want to. As long as you are parenting your child with the values you want to instil in him, that's all you can do.

If your son is still going to the boys' house to play, I would reinforce your rules before he goes over and check in with him when he gets back. Kids have to learn that your rules apply when they are someone else's home as well, not just your own. 

It wouldn't surprise me if your son comes around to phasing out this friendship with her son. He will surely be picking up on your cues and see that this friendship probably isn't for him either. If this happens, just reassure him that he didn't need to break a friendship for you - as long as he wanted to do it, that's entirely his choice. You are behind him no matter what, and if he ever does want to pick up the friendship again, you will support him in that choice. 

Best of luck in your ducking and weaving - here's hoping your phone gets some rest. 

Originally published as A school mum wants to be my friend. How do I tell her to leave me alone?