Invite only: Who’s who of Adelaide hit Burnside Village for special soiree to celebrate 50 years

Burnside Village celebrated its half-century with an invite-only soiree last week. Spend a little time in the area and it will soon become obvious who’s a local and who’s ... well, from another suburb. Matt Gilbertson explains how to pick a Burnside local.

Burnside Village is celebrating its 50th birthday.

Get your gold shoes out for a stroll down memory lane at Burnside Village – that’s if you’ve been invited, of course.

The up-market shopping centre – whose posh patrons love wearing gold shoes – is turning 50. And the who’s who of Adelaide will be celebrating at a special invite-only soiree on Friday night.

The atrium hall is being tizzied up by Sam Rice-Adams from Atmosphere Events.

There will be lush floral displays featuring blooms from Adelaide Flower House and a nostalgic exhibit like no other.

There will also be a more-ish menu – created by Sprout’s Callum Hann – featuring Burnside Village founder, the late Richard Cohen’s favourite food and drinks.

VIP guests will include former premier John Olsenand his wife Julie, Burnside Mayor Anne Monceaux and the shopping centre’s stylistCimon Vozzo.

Whether or not you're attending tonight's exclusive birthday bash, spend a little time in Burnside and it will pretty soon become obvious who’s a local and who’s ... well, from another suburb.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM BURNSIDE WHEN ...

If Adelaide were to ever have its own version of the Real Housewives, there’s one place that would make the perfect backdrop.

A land of gold shoes and Range Rovers. Burnsiiiiiide darling! (Yes, we know you read it in your head in a Prue and Trude voice as well).

Put on your pearls and pick up your poodle from the pet shop. Today we take you to Adelaide’s answer to Beverly Hills.

And with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek, knowing it will now be several months before I’ll be allowed to shop at Zara again, we give you this handy guide to life on the mean streets of Burnside.

YOU LIVE IN A MCMANSION

Ok, maybe this is a bit OTT, even for Burnside. Picture: iStock

If you don’t already live in Burnside, chances are you will never be able to afford to do so.

There are only three possible ways of moving into the postcode.
1. Have a house handed down to you from a rich relative who has gone on to glory.
2. Rent a one-bedroom apartment, which probably had a reno in the early 2000s, and pay four times what you would for a similar real estate footprint just few suburbs over.

3. Move in to a neighbouring suburb like Glenside and just TELL all your friends that you now live in Burnside. That’s what I did once upon a time and trust me, being able to look down at all any friends made the lying WORTH IT!!

YOU DO ALL YOUR SHOPPING AT BV

Speaking of false advertising, the major shopping destination of Burnside is ACTUALLY in Glenside but, let’s face it, there’s only one place in the eastern suburbs to hit the shops and that’s Burnside Village.

Good old BV… The perfect shopping destination if you want your self-esteem to take a whack that even Will Smith would be proud of.

I’ll see you at BV, darling.

A place where you can feel passively judged at every turn and still pay six times more for things that you could easily find at Tea Tree Plaza.

Even the bloody chemist is exxy!!

But they do have Adelaide’s only Zara, which if you haven’t been offended by this story yet and are still reading is probably the only fashion outlet you can shop in!!

Once upon a time BVs uniform du jour was famously “gold shoes and a string of pearls”. But more recently it’s had a bit of an upgrade. Put it this way… If you’re not wearing a Camilla Kaftan, you’re not shopping in Burnside.

You’ll NEVER be good enough to shop at Burnside Village!!

YOU ARE AN EXPERT IN HORTICULTURE

Even if you’ve never stepped foot in Burnside Village, you will most likely be familiar with the absolute scandal that arose over its famous 18m river red gum. The tree had been in the spotlight since the revamp of the shopping centre in 2011 when it was announced that BV would be redeveloped around the tree. Yes. Inside!

A tree with a shopping centre around it. Totally normal.

The centre’s owners and their arborists clung, with desperate hope, to the idea that enclosing a native tree in a giant, coffee-fume filled glasshouse would work, but it soon became clear that sharing space with a Cibo probably wasn’t going to be best for the 100-year-old tree. Surprise!

The scandal was a PR nightmare for Burnside Village with arborists, glass manufacturers and even a “tree whisperer” being brought in to save the gum.

But in 2013 the centre’s Cohen Group wheeled out the family’s matriarch Pat Cohen to announce what many had suspected for a long time. The famous Burnside Gumtree was dead.

YOU DRIVE A HUGE 4WD

You’d think the inner-city streets of Burnside would require small cars. Something a little zippy that would help you get from A to B? WRONG

If you want to live in Burnside, you simply MUST drive a 4WD! The bigger the better. In fact, anything that you would drive safely on the Oodnadatta Track would be perfect for navigating the streets of Burnside.

A standard-issue Burnside SUV.

And really, who cares if passing motorists can’t squeeze by when you’ve parked your Land Cruiser out the front of your home, in some of Adelaide’s most narrow streets … despite your double garage.

Don’t want a monster truck? Well then, you’ll just have to settle for a BMW or a Merc. Bonus points if your vehicle is decorated with bumper stickers from your kid’s private school.

YOUR KIDS GO TO THE POSHEST SCHOOLS IN THE LAND

While we’re on the subject… It’s everyone in Adelaide’s favourite subject. What school did ya go to??

In the east, even the public schools are posh. Think the likes of Glenunga High, Urbrae and Marryatville (shout-out to my former teachers!!).

But chances are, if you’re going to one of these public schools, you’re not from the area. Most likely you’re travelling an hour each morning on public transport and you were only allowed in because you got a music scholarship or something.

So.... what school did YOU go to?

If you really live in Burnside, your kids are absolutely being educated in a place that has a Latin motto and a school anthem. Schools such as Seymour, Pembroke, Saints and PAC. Places where the annual school fees are as expensive as 20 litres of petrol in 2022.

Now here are the facts. I’m sorry to break it to you parents, but many of you WILL NOT be getting a return on your investments! Don’t blame me for stating the truth, look it up. It’s science!

YOU WORK OUT AT THE BURNSIDE POOL

Darling, the Burnside Pool is THE place to amp up your fitness game by pumping out a few laps. Of course, being an outdoor pool, it’s usually only warm enough to use for about two months during the year but you can always follow the lead of many a Burnside mum and just dress like you’re working out 24/7.

Lorna Jane for days. Burnside Pool Picture: Keryn Stevens

Run around town in the latest from Lorna Jane or Lululemon and people will just assume that you’re doing your best to remain fit and healthy. And isn’t that what life is really about anyway? Forget the truth. It’s what people THINK that matters!

YOU SPEND TIME AT THE BURNSIDE LIBRARY

Libraries are generally conservative places at the best of times, but Burnside Library gives new meaning to the word. Back in April 2021, the library hit national headlines after it banned a handful of women’s magazines for free reading after it declared they were promoting a “toxic and negative narrative”, causing upset and distress from the libraries older readers.

Mags like Woman’s Day, New Idea and Who were all taken off the shelves with an almost hilarious laminated sign put in place.

“The City of Burnside places our community’s mental health at the forefront, as well as setting a standard of respectful behaviours in our community,” said the notice, written by the council’s group manager of community connections, Fairlie Taylor.

“We have therefore removed magazines which promote a toxic and negative narrative. Thank you for standing with us.”

Surely the people who use the Burnside Library are smart enough to work out what is best for them to read for themselves?

You have to wonder what other reading materials “promote a toxic and negative narrative” that are deemed OK for display? Pretty sure The Bible is still on the shelf!

YOU WILL ALWAYS FIND TIME TO WRITE A LETTER TO THE BURNSIDE COUNCIL

In October last year, Burnside Council’s approved a toilet in Brock Reserve at the cost of $165,000 much to the dismay of local residents.

Based in a busy part of the reserve in Beaumont – the main entry point to Mount Osmond Reserve and a number of popular walking and cycling trails – nearly 80 properties were sent surveys about the proposal.

Dear Sir....

However, some residents argued it was unnecessary, “a waste of money”, would encourage anti-social behaviour, attract “unsavoury characters”, increase local crime and decrease open space.

“(It) would encourage relocation of unsocial behaviour and just another case of wasteful spending and disregard for prudent restrained spending of ratepayers funds,” one resident submitted.

“Complete waste of money. Will be a visual eyesore. Will attract the wrong type of people to hang around it. People doing drugs, sexual predators,” another argued.

The whole incident sums up Burnside to a tee!!