If you're single, don't join these secret Facebook groups

Dating’s newest dilemma

If you'd like to keep dating, maybe stay away from the 'Sis is this your man?' Faebook groups. Image: iStock

Fallen down the rabbit hole of your city’s "Are we dating the same guy?" Facebook group lately? Their allure is undeniable. But a word of caution: tread carefully.

City-focused Facebook groups are springing up worldwide, acting as a public service platform for women to swap stories and sound the alarm on cheaters, predators and narcissists in the dating world.

The formula is simple: post screenshots of a man, wait for the “tea,” and watch as the group’s drama-hungry masses drink it up.

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I recently joined a Sydney-based 30,000-member group, and boy the “tea” was piping hot! The revelations inside the group ranged from the shocking to the absurd, from men dating multiple group members and spreading STIs to unsuspecting daughters exposing their fibbing fathers.

But peel back a layer, and the tone shifts from protective to petty. Men aren’t just called out for actions but are often ridiculed for appearances or for daring to split a bill. And the most disheartening? Women commented that the “tea” was persuading them to quit dating apps and the dating scene altogether, and receiving praise and encouragement in exchange. 

Outside the group, the posts dominate my news feed, courtesy of the drama-loving algorithm. Every second post in my feed now showcases a spectrum of flags- from beige to flaming red. Taking control, I hit “show me less.”

If you’re single and swiping, it might be time to give your feed and your thinking a similar breather. 

These Facebook groups warn people about men on the dating scene. Image: iStock

Let’s be clear: I don’t hate the players (these groups or their enthusiastic members); I hate the game they’re caught up in.

Today’s dating scene, cloaked in digital anonymity, presents far more security challenges than when we were forced to date within our tight-knit communities. 

Though cheating and bad behaviour aren’t new, the previously powerful deterrent - the accountability of your community - now competes with fleeting swipes, unverified profiles and meaningless emojis. These private groups aim to bridge the gap, but there is a catch. 

Playing along with these groups might backfire. Even if you’re only lurking, there’s a more profound consequence beyond the obvious legal and bullying problems.

Consistently drinking this digital "tea" can affect your real-world view. When you’re bombarded with stories of dating disasters amplified by the algorithm, it’s easy to view the world with mistrust. It’s like putting on cynicism-tainted glasses.

"It’s like putting on cynicism-tainted glasses." Image: iStock

Our perception of the world is less about reality and more influenced by filters, known as cognitive biases. These mental shortcuts, which result from our experiences, can distort our worldview. Consider generalisations, one of the most common cognitive biases.

A few stories of cheating may persuade you to believe that all men are unfaithful, and engaging with these groups may unwittingly stack the deck in favour of this skewed perspective. This belief is seldom universally true, nor is it empowering.

These groups have unearthed genuinely heinous acts, but this is only a small part of the story. Because the algorithm favours the sensations, more mundane posts drown amidst the noise. 

As the adage goes, what you seek, you often find. You may not find dirt on your date, but you may accumulate biases that cloud all your future interactions. Every future mismatch might feel like déjà vu, mirroring a post in the group you were outraged by. 

These groups have unearthed genuinely heinous acts. Image: iStock

Modern dating can be a minefield, sure. But there’s a distinction between staying informed and becoming paranoid. And constant exposure to these groups? It might nudge you toward the latter. 

Many women, to be on the safe side, share screenshots of their brand-new matches and ask for “tea.” The responses may seem harmless, yet they can cause you to miss out on genuine opportunities, now and in the future. Within these groups, there is a marked lack of self-awareness, reflection, and empathy for the men who bear the brunt of ridicule, especially when many of us have sometimes committed similar actions. exhibited similar behaviours.

Can you genuinely say you’ve never missed a reply, sent delayed replies or uploaded outdated photos? We often grant ourselves grace and leniency that we refuse to provide to others. 

People have found out awful things about their partners in these groups – but at what cost? Image: iStock

However, when the roles are reversed, and we are left on read, the offences rapidly increase to intolerable proportions, worthy of public ridicule. It’s also worth noting that just because a man ghosted someone else in the group five years ago doesn't mean he'll ghost you or speak to any of that woman's previous acts. 

So, before diving headfirst into these groups, pause and ponder: Is the allure of the "tea" worth potentially warping your perspective on love and dating?

While most of us would appreciate a warning about a habitual cheater, weighing the cumulative impact of relentlessly consuming this content is crucial. While cautionary tales have their place, make sure you view the broader dating world with a balanced lens. 

Sera Bozza is a dating coach and the founder of Sideswiped, offering dating coaching to help you stay upright in the world of left and right swipes. You can learn more about her here.

Originally published as If you're single, don't join these secret Facebook groups