'If my wife didn’t walk in on me that day... I probably wouldn’t be here'

A Melbourne father thought postnatal depression was only for ‘mums’, but the crippling condition very nearly cost him his life...

Josephine Agostino

4 min read

November 22, 2022 - 8:16AM

Lifestyle

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Jodie and Dean were elated to discover they were pregnant with their first child after several months of trying.

The Melbourne couple’s excitement, however, soon turned to anxious worry after Jodie’s first scan showed she had a shortened cervix.

“It was a shock,” Dean tells Kidspot.

“It meant Jodie could go into early labour anytime and the baby may not survive.”

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“Jodie got to hold him for a few seconds and then they took him away.” Photo: Supplied to Kidspot

"There was a lot of hopelessness"

During the eight weeks she was put on bed rest, Jodie - who had now had been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix - found herself suffering with antenatal depression.

“There were a lot of tears and a lot of hopelessness,” Dean, who was a mental health nurse at the time, says.

“Even with the job I had, I didn’t know what to do for her.”

Dean and Jodie’s fears of an early labour became their frightening reality when at just 24 weeks, their son, Max, was born.

“Jodie got to hold him for a few seconds and then they took him away,” the 47-year-old dad remembers.

“He was just so, so tiny.”

“Back then, no one would think to ask how I was doing, it was only, ‘How’s Mum?’“ Photo: Supplied to Kidspot

"It took a huge toll on me"

Baby Max spent 120 days in the NICU, which included two surgeries.

“On day four, they called us in and we honestly thought that would be the last time we would see him,” Dean recalls of that touch-and-go time in his son’s life.

“That type of call happened one more time, and it took a huge toll on me because I never knew what would happen to him from one day to the next. But I kept it all in to support Jodie, who was getting really bad with postnatal depression by then... I could see she was withdrawing from others and not coping.”

“Back then, no one would think to ask how I was doing, it was only, ‘How’s Mum?’ Jodie had to point out to the doctors and social workers to ask how I was, but I was largely left to the side. I never sought out support.”

"All along I thought postnatal depression was for mums, not dads." Photo: Supplied to Kidspot

"Inside I felt like crap"

While seeing their little boy fight for his life beneath endless cords and monitors for so long traumatised the first-time parents far beyond what they expected, Dean says it was bringing Max home which led to his entire world crashing around him.

“Before Max, I had a history of well-managed depression and anxiety, but this took it to another level and the real suffering for me came after he came home,” Dean, who was forced to take time away from work, says.

“On the outside, I was excited that my baby was home, but inside I felt like crap. I was trying to support Jodie because she was struggling so much and I was more worried about her and Max than myself... all along I thought postnatal depression was for mums, not dads.”

“I hid it at work but at home... I started unravelling"

Soon enough, all of Dean’s anxiety became too much to bear.

“I hid it at work but at home... I started unravelling,” he says bravely.

“I couldn’t sleep and felt worse and worse. I would tell Jodie to leave me alone a lot.”

In December, 2012, when Max was nine months old, Dean attempted to take his own life, and would spend two weeks in a private mental health facility.

“I had hit my lowest low,” he says sadly. “I didn’t know what to do anymore. If Jodie didn’t walk in on me, I possibly wouldn’t be here. That was the first and last time I got to that point.”

“We know we can help Max through anything because of what we’ve been through.“ Photo: Supplied to Kidspot

"I love being his dad"

For the first seven years of Max’s life, what was supposed to be a joyous time celebrating his birthday, on March 17, would become a debilitating trigger for Dean and Jodie, who both continued to suffer from postnatal depression.

“I would keep it to myself but we would argue a lot and our relationship would deteriorate,” Dean explains.

“On his third birthday, I couldn’t handle it anymore and just walked out the playcentre. It took us years to consciously realise what was going on to work it out.”

Dean and Jodie are now the proud parents of a “smart and funny” 10-year-old, and despite the physical and mental health challenges that prevented them from trying for another child, the husband and wife are very much content with their family of three.

“I love being his dad,” Dean says happily. “We know we can help Max through anything because of what we’ve been through, and feel very lucky and grateful for what we have.”

Dean has become a community champion with PANDA and is speaking about his experience in the hope of helping other parents in support of Perinatal Mental Health Week, held each November.