I cracked the code to making cattle class feel like business

I recently realised I'm a 'selfish' passenger. I'm not willing to compromise on comfort though. So to learn how to live my best life at 40,000ft - without offending the public - I asked a bunch of flight attendants for their top tips on enjoying yourself on a red eye, without making everyone hate you.

If you want to make economy feel like business, but don't want to end up on a passenger shaming blog, you need to read this.

On a recent trip overseas, after drinking a large beer stein at the airport, I boarded my AirAsia flight giggling like a four year old.

My friend, who also should know better, began tickling me before the plane had even taken off. My cheeks hurt from laughing, and as the engines started whining, my head started to spin pleasantly. I was on Cloud Nine, on a long awaited trip (cancelled twice, due to COVID, and now finally happening).

All was right with the world. I can't remember what was so funny (actually, I can: it was my 6'4" mate joking that he felt like Andre The Giant in these tiny plane seats), but after a stein of beer on an empty stomach, everything, no matter how dumb, seems pretty funny.

Left: the offending beer stein. Right: moments before the merciless tickling commenced (you can already see the evil glint in his eyes).

Suddenly though, as I caught a glimpse of the woman to the left of us, I had a sobering thought: "Does everyone hate us right now?" The answer was undoubtedly: yes. And not just because we were having the best time; because we were being obnoxious. 

There's no stopping my friend when he's on a roll though, so I just hoped and prayed for the best (and covered my most ticklish spots with my hands).

Fortunately, there were heaps of empty rows on the flight, so as soon as the seat-belt light went off, we left the unfortunate lady to our left to stew on her disgust, and nabbed an exit row to ourselves (it was then I realised: all you need to make economy feel like business is to drink one too many beers, and to score a row of seats to yourself).

Judging by this damning admission (and the many other times you have seen people behave selfishly on flights), you could be forgiven for thinking that long haul flights are a zero sum game, and that the only way to really have a pleasurable experience yourself is by sacrificing your neighbour's enjoyment of the flight.

This typically comes in the form of laying claim to a contested armrest (or row of seats), putting your feet up on someone's seat so you can sleep, or drinking and being noisy without a care in the world.

However, as either Adidas or Mohammed Ali once said: "Impossible is nothing." And they're right: it is actually possible to make a long haul flight comfortable for yourself, without inconveniencing your seatmates. 

The question is: how? Well, I have consulted a bunch of people who fly for a living, as well as my own brainbox, refined over years of trial and error, to bring you the definitive guide to thriving, not just surviving, on a long haul flight. 

Give the flight attendant serving you a $50 gift card

@cierra_mistt

flight attendant secrets passengers NEED to know (p 5) ✈️

♬ original sound - Cierra Mistt

According to Cierra Mistt, a flight attendant in the US, rather than handing out $5 gift vouchers to all crew members (because you probably won't have enough for everyone) you should establish who your designated flight attendant is and give a $50 gift card to them. Apparently they will be so shocked and overwhelmed they will then treat you like a celebrity for the remainder of the flight. She also claims they might help give you extra points, extra miles, free upgrades and free food and drinks.

Pretend you're the main character in a movie

Another guilty pleasure of mine, to make a long haul flight feel truly decadent, is blasting my favourite tunes through my noise-cancelling headphones, and watching the plane take off through the window, imagining this to be the start of a movie, where I am the main character. 

Reminisce about all the most awkward moments in your life

Is there anything more decadent than having the time and headspace to make a mental 'cringe list' of your entire life?

After imagining myself the protagonist of a non-existent Hollywood thriller (or sometimes MTV music video), I then switch to half-awake recollections of all the most painfully awkward interactions of my life, and compiling them into a giant mental cringe list. Though you might not think this pleasurable, it does make the flight more comfortable in that it passes the time.

Choose a window seat 

Etihad flight attendant Lieche Termia Klaasens told me that her favourite hack for falling asleep on a long-haul flight is choosing a comfortable seat: "Personally, I always opt for a window seat because it provides a solid to lean against and minimises disruptions from other guests."

Wear comfortable clothes

Many of the Etihad flight attendants told me that dressing well is key to enjoying a long haul flight.

Ms Klaasens also said: "Wear comfortable, loose, and breathable clothes that will make it easier for you to relax. And use sleeping aids especially if you find it difficult to sleep. Etihad provides sleeping aids like eye shades, to help you in sleeping comfortably on long haul flights."

Sneak into the first class toilet

This might be incredibly frowned upon behaviour, but if you get away with it, it will certainly make your cattle class journey feel a bit more fancy.

Read a book instead of watching a movie 

Flight attendant Erin Louise Gibson, who also works for Etihad, told me: "Read your favourite book which will help you to feel more tired and have a nap onboard. Don’t worry we will wake you up for the meal service!"

Take advantage of the plane's wellness functions

Tahir Bakhtiyar, another Etihad flight attendant, told me: "For extra comfort, you can connect to our EBOX where we have some really nice meditating music and audio books which also work like a charm for sleep."

Pack an amenity kit 

Danish flight attendant for Etihad, Daniel Norman, told me: "Always pack a small amenity kit containing a toothbrush, a small deodorant, moisturiser for hands and lips, and a usb charger for your phone. A one-time hydrating face mask is also handy to have, especially on the longer flights."

Embrace the pain

Above all, I have learned to take masochistic pleasure in long haul flights. From blissfully dissociating from the world to the perverse thrill of having an excuse to be my absolute worst self (in terms of diet, indulgent movie choices etc.) and squatting in my own squalor, while not being responsible for anything, if you take the right mindset to cattle class travel, it's a riot.

Originally published as I cracked the code to making cattle class feel like business