How to have better sex, according to sexologist Chantelle Otten
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Chantelle Otten shares expert advice on how to clear the most common sexual hurdles and create a stronger relationship bond.
In the Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census you openly shared your problems with us both in (and out) of the bedroom.
From how to have sex more regularly, to ways to encourage more foreplay and intimacy, it’s clear Aussies are wanting some help when it comes to communicating their desires to their partner.
So we asked Australia’s top sexologist, Chantelle Otten, for simple solutions to some of the nation’s most common bedroom dilemmas, and her tips for what we can all do to have more satisfying sex – starting tonight!
Plus, for more expert advice direct from Chantelle Otten, you can stream her podcast Sex Therapy on Audible.
Can't get no satisfaction?
Feeling satisfied in the bedroom is an important part of a healthy sex life, but it turns out a whole heap of Australians (one in four) don’t know if they’re satisfying their partners.
On the flip side, our survey revealed 60 per cent of Australians are actually feeling sexually satisfied – so chances are, if you’re not sure, the answer could be yes.
Sexologist Chantelle Otten explains that communication is key for resolving this issue, as well as prioritising mutual sexual satisfaction (after all, it’s only polite to wait until everyone has enjoyed the main event before leaving the table, right?).
“We all struggle with sexual satisfaction at some point, and we all struggle because we have very busy lives,” says Otten. “I believe it’s about prioritising our partner’s satisfaction and understanding success doesn’t often come naturally – it’s something you have to work on. How we do that is through open communication.”
Otten explains that it’s key to look beyond the bedroom and across what’s happening in other aspects of your relationship, too.
“It’s also important to remember that sexual satisfaction isn’t just about physical pleasure, but it involves emotional connection, mutual respect and empathy,” she advises. “When we have partners feeling sexually satisfied in their own right, it can help make them feel more connected and aligned with each other – and that enhances compatibility. It’s not just about physical pleasure, it’s about feeling understood, respected and valued in the relationship.”
We couldn’t agree more.
Bedroom burnout
Feeling too frazzled to have sex? You’re certainly not alone. The Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census revealed that the number-one reason Aussie’s aren’t having as much sex as they would like is stress, with 48 per cent saying it’s their biggest roadblock. This is no surprise as when stress is high, sexual activity takes a backseat, and that can lead to a cycle where a lack of intimacy also becomes a source of stress and tension in the relationship.
If you’re feeling overloaded and undersexed, Otten recommends sitting down and writing a list of all the things that could be impacting you. “In order to manage it, first of all you have to acknowledge that you’re having a tough time,” she explains. “Then it’s essential to have an open dialogue where both partners can talk openly about their stresses. Come to therapy if you don’t know how to do that,” adds Otten.
“I would recommend setting expectations around sexual activity that will reduce the pressure you’re both feeling. It might be about acknowledging that sex might not always be frequent, but you can make it more meaningful by scheduling it and making sure it’s fulfilling when it does happen.
A lot of people think that this sounds unromantic, but it is actually very romantic because you’re saying to your partner, ‘You’re a priority for me.’” Sounds like a date.
Where's my hug?
OK, so you’re having sex, but when the main event ends, does the physical contact end with it? Sure, sex is great, but what about a snuggle afterwards?
For many Aussies, this is a moment they’re missing out on. According to the results, only one in five say they cuddle after sex, and when asked if they could have more of one thing in bed, 34 per cent said intimacy, 23 per cent want kissing and 20 per cent would like tenderness.
It’s clear from these results that many of us are looking for deeper emotional connections within our sexual relationships. Tenderness, kissing, hugging… all of those actions bring closeness and satisfaction, both during and outside of sexual play.
In order to do this, Otten wants to redefine the way you think of the word ‘foreplay’: “I hesitate to use that word, as people think it means sexual activity immediately leading into sex, but foreplay can actually extend to intimate moments at any time of day.”
Otten maintains it’s important to prioritise mindful touching – holding hands, caressing each other’s faces, running fingers through their hair. It’s about being fully present and paying attention to your partner’s responses.
“Cuddling is such an effective way to enhance intimacy and tenderness, and help people relax and long for each other,” she says. “Spending time intertwined and developing pre- and post-sex rituals is super important.”
By following this advice, you can reinforce that emotional bond people nationwide are seeking.
Express yourself
In the Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census, 77 per cent of men and 51 per cent of women said that they would like their partner to initiate sex more often. Of course, you can’t make someone want to have sex with you, nor should you try. But if you’re not sure how to communicate this desire, Otten has some tips.
First and foremost, it’s important to note people’s libidos aren’t one-size-fits-all, and that they will likely change throughout your lifetime. Some people just want sex more than the other person, and that’s normal. It can also switch during the course of a relationship.
If you are someone who is experiencing a higher libido than your partner, or simply feel as though you do the lion’s share of initiating sex, Otten suggests that you think about how it’s possibly been received in the past when you’ve asked your partner to initiate sex more frequently. Has it gone down well, or do you need to make up for the times where perhaps you didn’t ask in a correct and respectful way?
“It’s all about creating safety and choosing the right moment,” she says. “If you’re feeling heightened on this topic, note down all your feelings and process them first by yourself. Choose the right moment where you have a private and comfortable setting. Say something like, ‘Hey, I would like to have a conversation with you about our sex life and how we can improve this. And I really want to hear how you’re feeling about it.’”
Otten also stresses the importance of taking turns in talking and to ensure neither of you feel rushed or pressured during the conversation. If things get tense, take a time-out. If either of you find it hard to express your feelings verbally, you could try writing a letter. When you do choose to have the conversation, bring it up in a non-sexual moment and start with a lot of appreciation.
“Say things like, ‘I really appreciate the connection we share when we are intimate.’ Then be positive and say something like, ‘I’ve noticed that I really enjoy it when you initiate sex, and I would love for that to happen more often,’” she suggests. It’s about being honest, but in a kind, gentle and thoughtful way.
3 easy ways to improve your intimacy, pronto
Sexologist Chantelle Otten’s top (and totally doable) tips for building genuine connection
#1. Communicate
“We aren’t really taught about communication and how to not only ask for what we want, but also ask our partners what they want. But in most cases, having kind, considerate, safe and open dialogue with your partner is the first step to having more mutually satisfying sex.”
#2. Appreciate
“How often do you tell your partner what you love about them physically? Things like, ‘I love your eyes,’ or, ‘Your lips really turn me on.’ Verbalising these – not only during sex but also throughout the day – leads to a deeper connection and helps couples feel more engaged sexually.”
#3. Set A Date
“Spontaneous sex is great, but scheduled sex can be just as hot. Rather than just thinking of it as something on your to-do list, it’s about building anticipation, excitement and pleasure for both parties. It also somehow feels a little bit more naughty.”
Can't get enough? For all the spicy details from our nationwide survey, head to bodyandsoul.com.au/sexcensus
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