How to hack intimacy in your adult friendships

They’re just as important

Sick of surface-level friendships? These insider tips from a psychologist reveal how to build lasting, meaningful connections. 

There's nothing better than friends who feel like family. The ones you can hang out with, without fuss or pressure to entertain and sit in silence together comfortably. The kind of friends who don't make you feel the need to tidy up before they visit and who, on occasion (gasp), you might even drop by one another’s place unannounced. The friends who share the same shorthand, inside jokes, and phrases; to anyone else, it’s like you’re speaking your own language. To me, these are the hallmarks of close friendship.

But reaching this top-tier level of friendship isn’t easy, especially as we get older and our lives pull us in different directions. Like any solid connection, maintaining adult friendships requires time, care, and effort to thrive.

One of the biggest hurdles is the loss of those incidental, everyday moments that once built intimacy – like spending all day at school together or sharing a home as roommates. This distance can feel even greater when life stages shift, like becoming a parent before your friends. But over the years, I’ve realised there are ways to reignite that sense of connection and intimacy in friendships.

The joy of friendship

As I enter my late 30s, I’m officially in my friendship era. I’m obsessed with my friends, both old and new. From planning the next fun activity, lunch, or gig to booking holidays, sharing silly memes and bantering across multiple platforms, my friendships bring me so much joy. Watching the three dots dance across my screen as my girlfriends craft a clever comeback? It’s the ultimate dopamine hit. 

This isn’t just a personal feeling – science backs it up. As Dr Zena Burgess, psychologist and CEO of the Australian Psychological Society, explains: “Healthy and stable friendships are central to our well-being and longevity. Research consistently shows that people with close friendships often report higher life satisfaction and are less likely to experience depression or other mental health challenges.”

Dr Burgess explains that close friendships significantly enhance our emotional, mental, and overall well-being. “Close friends offer support and companionship, which can boost self-esteem, build confidence, give us a sense of purpose, and help us handle stress and bounce back from challenges,” she says.

Close friends offer support and companionship, which can boost self-esteem, build confidence, give us a sense of purpose, and help us handle stress and bounce back from challenges. Image: Pexels

An invaluable investment 

Life is overwhelming and chaotic at the best of times, but investing time and effort in the friendships that fill your cup is always worth it.

“It can be hard to nurture friendships in modern society, where people are balancing busy work and personal schedules,” Dr Burgess says. “However, it is important to make time for friendships and develop friendship-making skills, especially given their significant benefits to mental health.”

It might sound harsh, but Dr Burgess suggests prioritising quality over quantity to make the most of your friendships. As people age, they often become more selective about who they spend time with, seeking deeper, more meaningful connections. “Older people may choose quality over quantity, looking for shared values, interests, or similar life experiences,” she notes.

It sounds obvious, but spending quality time with your mates is the most effective way to achieve a tight dynamic. Image: Pexels

Think outside the box

It sounds obvious, but spending quality time with your mates is the most effective way to achieve a tight dynamic. This year, I’ve gone on several big family holidays with groups of friends and their children. Some live on the other side of the city, making it hard to stay up to date in their daily lives, another aspect which helps promote intimacy.

But going away together and living in a pretend commune with our kids felt very special and strengthened our bonds tenfold. By the end of the trip, our kids were all little pals, and we had spent quality, uninterrupted time together as friends. 

While we might not always be afforded this time back in reality, going out of our way to do it on holidays means we’re purposely carving out that chapter. I knew how they had slept the previous night, if their child had woken, and what they had for breakfast. It’s the little details that can have the biggest impact.

Of course, going on holidays is not always possible, but another favourite activity with close friends who live far away is hosting a ‘grown-up slumber party.’ We bring our kids along and spend the night at each other's homes. 

Parenting in tandem – doing the dinner, bath, and bedtime routine as a team – turns the usual slog into something enjoyable. This shared experience, though seemingly mundane, gives us a glimpse into how we live behind closed doors and allows us to do it together. 

During my 20s, the best part of the night was always the ‘pre-drinks’ – getting ready together with music blasting, workshopping outfits, and sharing drinks. Ever so slowly, this ritual quietly faded away. But why? 

So, in the past few years, we’ve intentionally revived pre-drinks, and it’s become the perfect remedy for reconnecting and growing closer with my friends. Obviously, this will vary spending on your interests, but it could be other shared hobbies like a book club, a cooking club, a weekly screening of a TV series, or exercising together.  

Time encourages the trust needed to open up and confide in friends. Image: iStock

The art of hanging out

Another top friendship hack? An adults-only staycation with your besties in a hotel might be one of the most underrated ways to level up your relationship.

Just hanging out in a hotel room, where the toughest decisions are when to swim, nap, or eat, is a reminder that the simplest moments – just being together – can mean the most. Spending long, relaxed periods together, instead of cramming a catch-up into a quick dinner, feels like being at home with someone, where comfortable silences and peaceful moments naturally bring you closer.

Building trust

Dr Burgess agrees that time is one of the most valuable factors in building strong relationships. It encourages the trust needed to open up and confide in friends. 

“Nurturing closeness in adult friendships requires investing time and effort into the relationship. If you feel safe, allow yourself to be vulnerable – share your struggles and concerns. This openness helps build the trust essential for deepening closeness in friendships,” she says.

Ultimately, Dr Burgess says that the formula for cultivating close friendship is simple: open communication, mutual celebration, and unwavering support – in the good times and the bad. By nurturing these connections, we strengthen our friendships and our own well-being, and that’s truly priceless.

Originally published as How to hack intimacy in your adult friendships