How to communicate your sexual desires even if you don’t have the words

Adult content warning: Communicating your sexual desires and needs can be uncomfortable – a sex therapist explains exactly how to do it, minus the awkward.

I have a serious dilemma.

My partner hasn’t been able to get me to orgasm. No matter how in the mood I am, they just don’t seem to get me where I want to be.

Everything they do, I don’t like that much.

I’m starting to worry that maybe we aren’t compatible.

What do I do?

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We’ve all been there – stuck in the middle of the quietest sex of our lives, making small noises in an attempt to lightly suggest to our partner to maybe move a little to the left.

Whenever a friend comes to me, detailing the worst sex of their lives (yet again) I ask the inevitable, “did you ask for want you wanted?” Often I am met with a resounding “no”.

So, what’s preventing us from asking? Especially during one night stands when there is no possible way of knowing what our partner/s is/are into?

I asked sex therapist, Aleks Trkulja.

Work out what you want before you hit the sack.

“We lack the language because it’s not often normalised to discuss sex,” she said, “whether that’s before, during or after the interaction.”

She said that the sex education most of us received, if we received any at all, did not teach us vocabulary that armed us with the necessary words to communicate what we desire.

Because of this our sexual escapades have become mostly, non-verbal.

“It’s just trial and error,” she said, “everyone just seems to be very avoidant of the situation.”

Aleks says that sex is still quite taboo.

“This comes down to living in a sex-negative Western society that attaches shame and stigma to many aspects of sexuality,” she said.

She said that this means we are already put on the back foot before we try to broach the subject.

“The shame comes from a societal stigma that sex is dirty or risky – that there are consequences... like sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies,” Aleks said.

So, how to you push all that to the side and get off? (Condoms!)

Before you ask for what you want, you need to know what you want. Aleks said you should explore what you want in a non-sexual space first.

“Notice pleasurable sensations day to day,” she said, “Like right now, I have a big mug of green tea next to me and some peanut butter on toast and when I go to engage with the tea or with the toast, I can really enjoy the flavours.

“It’s about noticing those pleasurable experiences in your body in a non-sexual context first because this has less pressure.”

Aleks calls this exercise pleasure journalling and it’s a vital first step to recognising what you even want in the first place.

After this, Aleks introduces clients to a process she calls “pleasure mapping”.

Playful couple might well have done the conversation first.

“Pleasure mapping is an exercise in self-pleasure that is purely exploratory,” she said.

“You are exploring what sensations your body can feel by stimulating erogenous zones with different kinds of resources like your hands, toys or fabrics.”

By first exploring these sensations on your own, you are able to differentiate what you like and what you don’t, before inviting a partner to try it out.

We each have a limited understanding of what is “sexual” which can prevent us from exploring to the fullest extent. This is when Aleks pulls out her “sexual repertoire table”.

“Essentially it’s a big table of different sexual behaviours and it’s very diverse,” she said.

“It’s got everything from kissing, back scratching, lap dances, using anal beads all the way to more classic behaviours during sex like penis in vagina penetration, fingering and foreplay.”

When you’ve been inspired, it’s time to have an erotic conversation.

“Before you have sex with someone, sit down and talk about the sort of sex you’d like to have with them,” Aleks said, “rather than slipping into this non-verbal place, where you do what just happens, because that’s when we risk blurring the lines of consent.”

It’s fair to assume that this conversation can be quite mechanical, but Aleks says it actually becomes quite erotic.

“If you’re describing out loud, what you’re wanting to do to them or what you want them to do to you, it starts to facilitate sexual desire and arousal,” Aleks said, “It can be a really nice part of your foreplay.”

Erland Josephson and Liv Ullmann in Scenes from a Marriage – 1973 film directed by Ingmar Bergman.

Getting the courage to say the words, especially if you didn’t even know which words to use, takes time and courage.

Matt Damon’s character Benjamin Mee said in the movie, We Bought A Zoo (stay with me) says that “all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery and I guarantee you, something good will come of it.”

And although it seems strange to quote We Bought A Zoo in this column, Benjamin Mee is right and the good that will come out of your communication is better sex.

Benjamin Mee, whose real life experiences inspired the movie, We Bought a Zoo. Picture: David Crosling

If you communicate and you’re met with a rejection, Aleks said that the rejection of your suggestion isn’t a rejection of you.

“Consent is something you update, it’s not just a once-off,” she said.

“This is why you come back to the sexual repertoire table and you sit down together and you say ‘what sort of sexual behaviours are we both willing to engage in, in this interaction?’”

Life // Love // Sex is a new weekly column exploring modern relationship, dating, sex, love and life issues. Email reader questions and feedback to our columnist here.