The products on Gwyneth Paltrow’s newsletter Goop are super pretentious

THEY’RE handcrafted, locally designed and insanely expensive... Oh, and totally wanky. Check out some of the most pretentious stuff for sale on Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle blog.

IF you’ve ever read an issue of Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s weekly lifestyle newsletter, you’ve probably wound up confused and broke.

The “curated lifestyle website” features a selection of handcrafted, locally designed and ridiculously overpriced products, all with confusing names and pretentious descriptions.

It can take a master’s degree in linguistics to figure out exactly what you’re being asked to pay far too much money for.

We’ve written a “Goop for Dummies” guide to help you translate Gwyneth’s confusing Goop language into everyday speak.

“Exclusive magenta and beige garda”

‘Gardas’, otherwise known as “offbeat” slip-on sneakers.

What on earth are gardas, you ask? We’re pretty sure ‘garda’ is just another word for sneaker.

These slip-on shoes are made from hot pink-dyed pony hair and beige leather — the kind of practical fabrics busy mums like Gwyneth love to wear.

GP describes them as “offbeat” and suggests you wear them with “rolled up denim”. We suggest you wear them never.

“Exclusive malachite andu”

The ultimate first world problem: Pay six weeks rent or buy this box?

This $1,200 box is made from a green, marbly mineral called malachite (don’t worry, I had to Google it). Though no amount of investigative research could explain what the hell an “andu” is.

We can only assume “andu” is Goop for “overpriced, nice-looking box”.

“Le Luxe Noir Jean in St Germain”

For $214 you can buy these jeans. Gwyneth’s toned legs are not included.

These “luxe noir” (fancy black) jeans are the “ultimate wardrobe workhorse” and the “perfect linchpin for any outfit”.

I’ve got no idea why they’re stuck in St Germain though. If I’m paying $214 for a pair of jeans, they should be delivered straight to my doorstep, pronto.

“Lime adventurine tigela”

This bowl is both “truly special” and truly expensive.

This bowl is “practical and gorgeous” and difficult to pronounce. It’s made from adventurine, a type of quartz, which explains the price tag. Though nothing can explain why this “jewellery holdall” is called a tigela.

“Natural Agate Ita”

We assume this isn’t dishwasher proof.

Gwyneth’s done all the hard work for us here, confirming in the product description that this is indeed a “stunning rendition” of your stock-standard tray, featuring “layers of stone and hints of sterling silver”.

It’s a “delicate item”, so don’t even think about using it for practical purposes. Ever.

“‘Elevated’ white shorts”

If only all the product descriptions were this straightforward.

According to their product description, these “elevated” white shorts will “complete a chic summer suit”.

Elevated? To where? Where are the shorts going, Gwyneth? Do you have an elevator in your house? Do you wear these shorts in the elevator? I’m so confused.

And since when did white short-shorts become an appropriate bottom-half suiting option?

“‘Elevated’” black top”

What’s with the ‘elevated’ clothes, Gwyn?

Described as an “elevated” spin on a “muscle tee”, this is clearly a piece from Gwyneth’s elevator capsule collection that she only wears in elevators. There is no other feasible explanation.