How to renovate your home without ruining your relationship

SO YOU bought a fixer-upper and now you want to renovate. Before you start your DIY home improvements, make sure you've got the tools to keep your relationship structurally sound.

Make sure your budget is robust. Your relationship depends on it.

YOU'VE just bought a renovator's delight and are planning to turn it into the ultimate love nest.

Not so fast.

While creating your dream home can be exciting, many couples get caught up in the fantasy and forget about the harsh reality of tearing their house apart.

In fact, a survey by renovation and design site Houzz found that 46 per cent of couples think the process put a strain on their relationship, and it almost drove 12 per cent of them to divorce.

We spoke to a therapist and a builder - two people who know first-hand how couples go wrong when it comes to renovating - and got their advice on how to survive the home improvements with your relationship in tact.

The therapist

Have a plan and a budget, or risk squabbling over your dream home.

If anything is going to test a relationship, it's the stress of living in a building site for months, blowing out the budget and arguing over whether you can afford those imported Italian tiles, says psychologist and author, Dr Elizabeth Celi.

Whether you're hiring contractors or doing it yourself, she says your very first step should be working out a detailed plan and budget. Each of you needs to be very clear about what you want and what's non-negotiable, from the kids' playroom to the Smeg stove.

"Put your preferences on the table, nut it out and reach all your compromises now, rather than when you're in the middle of it all," she suggests.

"If you get it clear from the start, it becomes an important fallback when stress and challenges hit during the process."

Then, get out your marker pen and two big pieces of paper. On the first one, write in big, bold letters: "THIS IS GOING TO BE FULL-ON" and on the second, "IT'S ABOUT THE SITUATION, NOT US". Display them somewhere prominent to refer to when you're thinking of smothering your partner in their sleep.

"When you remember it's the bigger picture that's stressful, attacking each other seems futile," explains Dr Celi.

Despite the stress a home reno can cause, Dr Celi says it's actually a fantastic team-building exercise. When you've created something together that you take pride in, it can bring you closer together.

"At the end of each day, sit down with takeaway and a beer, and talk about what you've achieved that day," she says.

"Ask yourselves, 'What are three great little wins we've had today?' Sure, you're still living in a mess and it's nowhere near finished, but you will have moved forward.

"It'll remind you that there are little steps which need to be taken in order for the big goals to be achieved."

The builder

Make sure your budget is robust. Your relationship depends on it.

If this is your first renovation, start off small. That's the advice of Ben Carter from Masters Builders Australia.

"Rather than trying to do the bathroom, kitchen and garage at once, just do one at a time," he suggests.

"As you go along, you'll learn more and get better. This will place a lot less stress on your relationship."

While doing the renovation yourself can save you money, he stresses the importance of knowing your limits and not being afraid to ask for help.

"Don't try to attempt something you can't do," he says.

"Often, it'll get to a certain point and couples will need a bit of help, so they'll call in a builder.

"They can become a mentor to couples doing DIY. It's going to give you a level of support which you'll need when tension arises during the really hard parts."

Mr Carter says the finishings are where most couples trip up - often they can't agree, or haven't budgeted for them.

"No matter how much you love each other, money's going to cause tension, especially when you realise that you've already spent so much and you haven't reached that stage yet.

"Getting a builder in at the very beginning is a good idea. He'll be able to point out how much to allocate for certain areas."

If the idea of wearing a hard-hat and project managing the whole thing excites you, Mr Carter warns that it's actually "the single hardest part of a renovation".

"Most people don't realise how much time they need to spend on site - which can be impossible if you work full-time," he says.

You'll be responsible for juggling contractors, schedules, ensuring safety rules are being followed and the right materials are being used. Which is why he recommends hiring a professional builder to do it. Otherwise your attempt to save money could end up costing you more, financially and personally.

"If something goes wrong and you're project managing it yourself, then you're the one who'll have to pay for the damage," he warns.

"Builders understand all the technical pitfalls. It's their job to make sure all the components work together."

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