Angela Mollard: Get these silly gimmicks out of our houses

HOUSE hunting. It’s a lot harder than it should be, because houses these days are full of stupid gimmicks. Here are some of the worst.

Get these things out of our houses

I’M HOUSE hunting. Frankly, I’d rather plait my own nose hairs.

However, it’s 15 years since I contributed to the real estate agents’ “you sell your house so we can buy ourselves a better one” fund along with the state’s stamp duty coffers, so apparently it’s my time. Oh, joy!

To ease myself in, I’ve been looking at totally unsuitable properties: $200,000 over budget; 30km from where I need to live; 850 square metres of lawn to mow; French provincial kitchens — an affectation second only to static caravans.

Still, it’s good to keep your options open. “Best house, worst street” ‘n all. Or is it the other way around?

I’m not about to become a property bore — you have your friends, neighbours and colleagues for that — but for the love of a sensible light fitting, have you seen what’s happened to houses? All manner of madness has broken out in our once-lovely abodes which I can only put down to a particularly virulent strain of Jonesing (keep up!) or The Block.

Either way, embrace the following at your peril. They are the flock wallpaper and avocado bathrooms of 2015 and, in design parlance, will see you plummet from “wired” to “expired”.

That’s right Scotty Cam, The Block is partly to blame here.

Books as props

Books belong on shelves. Or next to your bed. Or in your handbag so you can do that novel thing of actually reading them. They should not be colour-coded Cairns to Cool. Just as writers should avoid alliteration, so the homeowner should resist any means of display that prevents a visitor from sliding out a volume and inquiring: “What’s this like?” Such posturing suggests you are not in the company of a reader, but something else ending in — er.

Freestanding baths

“Oh look at that Kev,” I overheard at a recent open home. “A bath in the middle of the room. How fabulous.” No, Kev, it’s not fabulous but a space-wasting design idiocy that leaves you with nowhere to rest your book/wine/candle/soap. It’s tantamount to feature painting your downpipes.

Jute rugs

If humans wanted to lounge around on scratchy floor coverings made of hemp and the toenail clippings of sustainably-raised wombats, they’d never have progressed from camping to mud huts. Use wool people. It’s why we have sheep. Well, that and roast lamb.

Square sinks

An evolution of the glass bowl sinks of the noughties, square sinks are the kale of bathrooms and kitchens. Sure, they look all gleaming and architectural in the showroom, but those corners are a faff to clean. Do we have square buckets? No. I rest my case.

Fireplace follies

Whether it’s pebbles in the grate, hanging “cocoons” or artfully arranged logs, fireplaces have lost the plot. Let’s bring back hearths with heart. Er, and heat.

Ensuites without doors

When did our ablutions become performance art? Ensuites are already romance killers. Designers, we don’t care if you’ve shipped in the tiles from Morocco or the bath from Milan. Put a door on it.

Throws

Beware of any verb that becomes a noun but especially “throws” — aka a blanket that simply costs more. Arranged over the edge of sofas, on beds or — my favourite — spilling purposelessly out of a hemp basket, throws are scarfs on steroids. Use judiciously.

Birds

Everywhere: Robins, owls, sparrows, hummingbirds — we’ve become infected by ornithophilia. Ironically, the fewer birds we have outside the more we’re turning our homes into aviaries. Wallpapers, light fittings, shelves, clocks — they’re everywhere, making you feel like you’re trapped in a Hitchcock thriller. Shoot that trend dead.

Here’s a fireplace doing what a fireplace should do.

Chevron

The death of zigzags can be carbon-dated to the moment Target collaborated with Missoni. Yes, you can have too much of a good thing — Ikat and lattice you’re on borrowed time. Herringbone, you’re safe because you “get” subtle.

Poufs

The love child of a bean bag and an ottoman, poufs both look and sound silly. Useful only for kicking and tripping over. Fuchsia versions especially grim.

Hanging pots

Like a houseguest who lingers more than three days, cookware hanging above the kitchen bench continues to defy both logic and occupational health and safety guidelines. Not only will that copper-bottomed saucepan give you a brain injury, but you’ll have to clean your utensils properly because they’re on show. Doubly grievous when hanging from a distressed wooden ladder.

Wall decals

“Laugh until it hurts. Dream big. Travel the world. Watch a sunset. Fall in love. Order dessert. Sing out loud. Be thankful. Be you.” Or my version, in development: “Buy a wall sticker, become a prat.” Giraffes, zebras and paisley elephants also need to head back to the savanna. Decals are removable for a reason.

Double kitchens

Very English, very weird. Spearheaded by the Duchess of Cambridge — “Two-Kitchens Kate” — and the British Labour leader Ed Miliband who arguably lost the election on such domestic indulgence, this trend is as senseless as toast racks. Apparently some people like an immaculate kitchen for show and another where they prepare food. Befriend with caution — these are the millennium version of those who once covered their sofas with plastic.

Originally published as Angela Mollard: Get these silly gimmicks out of our houses