Evangeline Polymeneas: How to navigate a financial power imbalance | Life // Love // Sex

‘I earn a lot more than my partner and they hate it.’ If this sounds like you, the issue might be more complicated than you think, writes Evangeline Polymeneas.

I earn a lot more than my partner and they hate me for it.

I recently landed a promotion at work and I’m earning close to double what I was before, which is amazing!

Prior to this income jump, I was earning the same as my partner.

At first my partner was really happy for me and proud of my hard work. They had even encouraged me to apply for the role.

But after a while, they started to become a bit more passive aggressive.

For example, whenever I would offer to pay for dinner (which was normal before my promotion) they would say I was only offering because I felt sorry for them and that they can afford the dinner.

I feel awful! I feel like taking this promotion has ruined my relationship.

What do I do?

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Feelings of inadequacy can fracture or spoil even the strongest relationships.

For this question, it’s important to acknowledge a few components at play here.

Firstly, we operate in a society that equates financial prosperity with success, and so we tend to equate someone’s income with their inherent self-worth.

While we know that this is totally untrue – just look at the commentary on the salaries of nurses and teachers – it can be hard to shake that ingrained idea that money is power.

Secondly, what we consider work is limited to what we do outside the home for a fee.

This means that housework and parenting is often overlooked as “work”, despite it actually being in the name: housework.

By acknowledging these ideas we can understand why someone might start to become a bit resentful towards their partner when they earn more than them.

To get a better idea, I spoke with couples therapist Mukti Jarvis, who said that financial power imbalance can distort equality in relationships.

Couples can find an income imbalance puts their whole relationship out of whack.

“The decisions that involve money aren’t made as equals but rather they’re dependent upon who is paying,” she said, “this inequality can lead to a dampening of passion and playfulness.”

For example, the person who earns more might feel more inclined to choose the restaurant for date night, leaving the person who earns less feeling as though they have no choice in the matter.

This might not even be conscious.

We can see this unconscious power play when we observe people who come from affluent backgrounds. Those who come from money are often perceived as walking around “like they own the place” or as having unfounded feelings of entitlement whether they mean to or not.

While we know that it’s up to the both of you to choose where you’ll eat, the person who absorbs the financial burden may feel as though they are entitled to the choice more than the person who isn’t paying.

This feeling can also be felt in the opposite way. The person who isn’t paying may feel as though they have no leg to stand on when contributing to the discussion of where dinner might take place.

We are inundated with the idea that money is power.

Where these ideas steam from is complicated and depends on a variety of factors.

Mukti lists a few reasons why resentment or conflict might occur in a relationship that is experiencing financial power imbalance:

1. There’s a lack of agreement and/or acceptance of the imbalance for any reason (eg, if the imbalance is the result of one person’s choices and is not mutually agreed upon).

2. Somebody is feeling financially insecure and projects their fear on to their partner, demanding that they should earn more or spend less.

3. Perhaps one partner is feeling as though they have no choice but to work long hours doing something that they find demanding or depleting, leaving them with no energy for their partner.

4. There’s a lack of agreement or willingness to share and support each other financially.

Inequality can make one partner feel inadequate, and the relationship suffers.

Mukti said that perhaps the resentment your partner feels comes from a discontentment within themselves rather than any actual anger towards you.

“Negative feelings towards oneself can arise if the one earning less perceives themselves as lesser value than their partner because they’ve measured themselves according to their financial success,” she said.

“This can lead to loss of confidence, depression and anxiety.”

Mukti said that historically, society hasn’t valued unpaid work so it’s easy for critical thoughts to become internalised.

“This can be confusing for people who are simultaneously also aware of the enormous value of being a homemaker.”

BRING BACK THE BALANCE

For couples who find themselves navigating a financial power imbalance Mukti suggests communicating on the following:

1. What you both care about, whether that’s holidays, financial security, home-cooked meals, education, etc.

2. How you can best jointly contribute to the whole unit, including all the various forms of contribution and make clear choices together.

3. Check in monthly on how the choices are working out and offer appreciation to each other.

4. Adjust as needed to take care of how each of you feels about how the money situation is working, current income contributions and how you’re sharing income and expenses.

By having open communication, both parties are aware of what is going on and how they contribute to the dynamic.

“We can help each other with this by offering appreciation and respect for non-financial contributions that are made to each other, your family, community and the wider world,” Mukti said.

“It helps to think about the contribution you make in the world just by being you.

“The smile you offer, the supportive neighbour you are, the care you bring as you make environmentally considerate choices, the love and respect for your children, bringing compassion rather than moralistic judgment to others.

“They are many gifts humans offer each other daily that money cannot buy yet which shape our world.”

There are plenty of contributions to a relationship which are not simply financial – work out what they are.

If you feel as though your partner is making passive-aggressive comments, don’t be afraid to call them out. They might not even realise.

• Remind them that your success isn’t their downfall.

• You earning a promotion has nothing to do with their worth.

• Communicate with your partner and be honest about how you feel.

• It’s OK for them to succumb to social pressures, as long as they’re aware that they are and are working towards unlearning them.

• Go back to your drawing board together and remind each other how you’re both contributing to your goals and dreams.