Evangeline Polymeneas: How to bring up sex toys without anyone getting hurt | Life // Love // Sex

There are two types of people in this world – those who dig sex toys and those who don’t. Evangeline Polymeneas takes the heat out of a common couples misfire.

**WARNING** If you’re easily offended, proceed no further! This article contains sometimes-graphic descriptions of themes of an adult / sexual nature.

How do I introduce sex toys into the bedroom without upsetting my partner?

I was having sex with this guy that I’m seeing and I decided to take out one of my vibrators.

He immediately stopped and said that it made him uncomfortable.

I was mortified.

He hasn’t contacted me since. Obviously it must’ve been the vibrator, because I can’t think of any other reason why he’d ghost me.

It’s frustrating because I want to be able to use sex toys in my partnered experiences as well.

How do I introduce sex toys into the bedroom without upsetting my partner?

———————————————————————————————————————

We’ve all seen this western. Your partner and sex toy stand off - who can pull out their six-shooter faster.

You’re definitely not alone in this predicament. Sex toys have been marketed as “enhanced” pleasure and because of this, it can leave some people with feelings of inadequacy whenever their pulled out.

Before you reach for that eight-speed vibrator, it’s reasonable to wonder - am I hurting their feelings?

So how do we save your partner’s feelings and still manage to get you where you need to be? I spoke to psycho-sexologist Jasmine Zahner to find out how.

Unhappy couple sitting in bed away from each other. Woman in foreground.

“For some reason there is this perception out there that if you need to use a toy in the bedroom, there is something wrong with your partner,” she says, “It means that they aren’t pleasing you to the extent that you want to be pleased, or they aren’t giving you an orgasm, or whatever it is. When it has nothing to do with that.”

Jasmine says that it’s your responsibility to have an orgasm or receive pleasure if that’s what you want. She says the only way you can do that is by communicating clearly with your partner or partners.

“Sex toys are about enhancing pleasure, rather than replacing your partner or what you’re already receiving.”

The word ‘enhance’ can be quite jarring for some people. They think that if they need to ‘enhance’ the pleasure, they aren’t good enough. When I put this concept to Jasmine she simply said “you can never get enough pleasure.”

“Sex toys are like the chocolate sauce on top of your ice cream,” she says, “It’s that added extra. It doesn’t mean you don’t like the dish as it is but if you could make it even better, why not? (Pleasure) is unlimited.”

Unlearning the idea that sex toys are ‘replacing’ your partner or mean that they aren’t good enough is the first step. But how do you actually introduce them in the bedroom?

Young couple intimate relationship on bed passion

“First of all, have the conversation out of the bedroom,” Jasmine says, “It’s not something you want to throw on your partner in the heat of the moment. It could completely throw off the mood if you just whip out this giant vibrator or something like that.

“Second tip would be to make sure you praise and express how much you love everything going on in the relationship now,” she says, “talk about the things you really enjoy, what you love most, just to reassure them that they aren’t doing a s**t job.

“Another thing I would say is don’t incorporate something you’ve already got for solo pleasure,” Jasmine warns, “Talk about the things you could buy as a couple - things that enhance both of your pleasure. Then go shopping together.”

Jasmine says there are many ways to engage a partner who isn’t totally on board, noting the importance of consent saying “obviously no one should be forced to engage in sexual activity that they’re uncomfortable with”.

Waking up next to my dream girl

If your partner/s expresses feelings of apprehension, Jasmine says a conversation needs to be had to uncover why. They might have had negative or traumatic experiences in the past or perhaps it’s as simple as a friend making a comment that had a lasting impact.

Buying toys that don’t look like genitalia is a great option for people who have feelings of inadequacy.

“If you buy a penis shaped dildo or vibrator it’s always the perfect looking penis that you see in porn which isn’t a reflection of the norm.

“Avoiding genital looking toys all together is the best bet. Something slick and modern is much better than something with fake hair and wrinkles.”

Communication and compromise is key and always remember there is no such thing as too much pleasure. So add that eight-speed vibrator to your cart and have fun.

Life // Love // Sex is a new weekly column exploring modern relationship, dating, sex, love and life issues. Email reader questions and feedback to our columnist here.