The one thing you should never say in a breakup text

Avoid this ‘spark’ trap

Here's your guide to writing the perfect breakup text, minus ‘the spark' and drama. Happy texting!

Ghosting has unfortunately become as normal a response in modern dating as any, post-first date, or, let's be honest, after several dates.

And, while we all know what that silence means - no interest - it doesn’t stop us from filling the gaping hole in that silence with our own insecurities, and conjuring explanations far worse than the reality.

As a dating coach and advocate for clear communication, I’m on a mission to resurrect the nearly extinct species of the clear and kind breakup text. Consider it a short, sharp, rip-the-bandaid-off ‘thanks, but no thanks’ - cutting to the chase without leaving a trail of confusion, and putting everyone out of their misery.

There is one word, however, that should never find its way into these messages.

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Long before I became a dating coach, I experienced my own trials and tribulations, and as a result, I created an anti-ghosting breakup text template.

This template saved my friends and later clients from the guesswork of what to say, how to say it, and most importantly, which words to avoid. 

When should a breakup text be used? When you’ve had interactions that were brief enough for a text to do the job. We’re talking one to a handful of dates.

The key to the perfect text is cutting to the chase without leaving a trail of confusion. Image: Pexels

The Art of the breakup Text

The ‘compliment sandwich’ is the secret formula.

#1. Start with Praise. Start with something positive to break the ice. 

#2. The Bad news. Deliver your message with kindness and clarity.

#3. End with praise. Leave them with a (sort of ) smile.

Example, in it’s most bare-bones succinct form.

“Hey, it was great meeting up last night, but I'm not feeling a deeper connection here. I wholeheartedly wish you all the best."

It’s short, sweet and doesn’t beat around the bush. And of course, you can layer on more personalised praise, and well wishes. Avoid focusing on yourself, making cheap excuses for your potential messaging delays or wallowing in self-pity. You are not the victim!

This anti-ghosting breakup text template is designed to avoid a messy farewell, even for the freshest of couples. Image: Unsplash

The most likely reactions

Now, the aftermath can vary:

#1. Appreciation: You might be thanked for your (increasingly) rare honesty. They may also express their mutual feelings. It doesn’t matter if it’s genuine, or to save face, it will show that you have at least been understood.

#2. Silence: No sweat. You did your part. And if you happen to bump into them, you can hold your head high. 

#3. Feedback seekers: Occasionally, someone may seek more specific feedback. If you want to, only share what you feel is constructive and can be said gently.

#4. Bruised egos: Snarky responses? Remember it’s you, not them. However, using this next word in your message when you're delivering bad news, and you increase the likelihood of snark tenfold: spark.

Using the word “spark” is a recipe for disaster. It's the one word that consistently got me, and my clients (who thought they knew better) the most aggressive responses. 

Avoid falling into the 'spark' trap. Image: Pexels

For example, “Yeah, there wasn’t a “spark” and I would have been astounded if there were, given we spent just two hours together and began talking a week ago you idiot.”

“A spark? Grow up. That doesn’t happen outside of movies”

“Good luck endlessly looking for the spark and I'll continue believing quality connection doesn’t develop out of thin air. I bet I find it before you do”

The spark trap

Here's why using the term "spark" in early-stage dating is so divisive. 

For starters, it is ambiguous and open to different interpretations: for some, it means an immediate physical attraction, while for others, it means an emotional or intellectual connection, potentially leading to misunderstandings or mismatched expectations.

It screams Disney-like expectations, where relationships are expected to follow a fairytale-like narrative, creating unrealistic expectations. 

It overlooks the slow burn: the beauty of relationships that grow and develop over time. Not all strong, long-lasting relationships begin with an intense initial attraction, and placing too much emphasis on instant chemistry can lead to people overlooking potentially great partners.

Referencing a spark ignores the complexities of dating emotions: is it a "spark" or nervousness, excitement, or even fear? It muddles genuine emotions with idealistic fantasies.

In short, using the word spark can signal immaturity and naivety, suggesting you may live in a fantasy world or that external and ambiguous factors heavily influence your decision-making. 

Handling the fallout

Remember that any negative, hurtful, or snarky response simply proves that you made the correct decision. Keep an eye out for people with bruised egos, especially narcissistic types. If something seems sinister, make your disinterest known, and don't be afraid to block and seek help if necessary.

Once you hit ‘send’ your job here is done. You owe nothing more. Remember, safety and peace of mind are your top priority.

Sera Bozza is a dating coach and the founder of Sideswiped, offering dating coaching to help you stay upright in the world of left and right swipes. You can learn more about her here.

Originally published as The one thing you should never say in a breakup text