Does your self-talk need an upgrade?

You need to cut yourself some slack

Hey you. Yes, YOU! You’re being too hard on yourself. Here’s how to stop.

Imagine you’ve just pressed ‘send’ on your last email for the day, you close your laptop and drive straight past the gym on your way home. Is your first thought, 'I’m so lazy, I never stick with anything'? Or is it, 'I’m glad I can rest when my body needs it'?

Next, you open the fridge, looking for dinner inspiration and you settle on something easy - packet gnocchi with sauce from that greengrocer you like. Do you think, 'I eat too many carbs', or, 'Yum! This will be a hearty meal'?

The way we speak to ourselves, or our ‘self-talk’ has a lot to answer for when it comes to our wellbeing, and if you’re anything like me, a quick check-in with your inner monologue might just reveal a big ol’ bully.

Is it just me, or are we all being jerks to ourselves?

“We all have an internal dialogue, where up to 80 per cent of our thoughts about ourselves can be negative. In addition, 95 per cent of our thoughts are repetitive,” explains ‘neurocoach’ Dr Simone Boer, and with a PhD in neuroscience and 20 years of researching how we tick, she knows what she’s talking about.

Unsurprisingly, this kind of repetitive negative self-talk can do a number on our confidence. “It can undermine our sense of our own capabilities, our confidence, and create self-doubt in our minds. It can make us believe that we cannot do it, or we are not worthy of success, friendship, happiness, love, or any other thing we aspire to,” says Boer.

It’s not just a confidence killer either. A 2023 lit review connects self-criticism with an increased risk of depression, anxiety, eating disorders and even pain response.

Overall, Boer says that negative self-talk can have a pretty meaningful impact on our happiness. “Instead of living amazing, happy and fulfilled lives, we feel stressed, anxious, and dissatisfied. This distorts our true sense of who we are, and what we can achieve.”

So, what is ‘negative self-talk?’

“Negative self-talk is the inner negative chatter that plays in our mind, often without us realising. This voice is usually highly self-critical and judgemental, arising from beliefs and perceptions that were formed from a young age,” says Boer.

She explains that many of these beliefs originate in childhood, resulting from our brain’s attempt to protect us from the unpredictability of life. We might develop an understanding that painful or scary events are somehow our fault, or that they result from our own shortcomings. “As a child, it is easier to accept this, than to face the overwhelming idea that our world might be unstable,” she says.

“We outgrow the need for these thoughts in adulthood, but they still remain as limiting beliefs that influence how we see ourselves, and what we believe we're capable of.”

Why is my inner voice such an A-hole?

There’s a good argument to be made for a near-constant media and commercial bombardment telling us that we’re falling short in multiple areas of our lives.

From key health messaging about what to eat, how much to move, and which habits are killing us to career advice like, ‘This one mistake is why you’re being looked over for a promotion!’

We’re surrounded by personal responsibility rhetoric, and often sold the idea that our health, our success and our happiness are within our grasp. So, if we don’t have those things, it must be because we’re doing something wrong, right?

Boer says that both perfectionism and imposter syndrome are closely linked to negative self-talk and will often work to reinforce those beliefs. “This often leads to people who constantly try to 'prove' themselves, but never feel like they deserve the success,” she says of the jumble of negative feedback in our brains leading to more and more self-criticism.

Dr Boer says that both perfectionism and imposter syndrome are closely linked to negative self-talk and will often work to reinforce those beliefs. Image: Getty

How to put it down, flip it and reverse it

While negative self-talk is a total vibe-killer, the good news is that we can harness our chatty minds to put our inner-dialogue to good use. A 2019 study of athletes’ use of deliberate self-talk found that intentional intervention in the way we speak to ourselves can actually improve our performance.

Additionally, it turns out the way we do it matters a great deal. A 2014 study highlights that when harnessing our self-talk, the way we address ourselves could be the key to its effectiveness. The study found that using ‘you’ or your own name rather than first-person pronouns such as, ‘I’ helped people regulate stress when meeting new people, and even improved public speaking performance.

6 expert tips for turning your inner bully into your bestie

1. Name that negative Nelly!

Just as the above study suggests, Boer recommends creating some distance between us and our negative inner voice. She recommends using names like, 'Judge,' 'Perfectionist,' 'Pleaser’, 'Victim' or 'Critic’ to describe our thoughts, so that we can say, ‘That's just my perfectionist telling me that it must be perfect', or 'That's my judge saying that I'm not good enough.’

2. Take note of your self-talk

Once you start to notice the negative thoughts negative thoughts that keep arising, Boer recommends that you write them down. From there, you can rewrite them into positive versions of themselves.

“Create affirmation statements for yourself that are the opposite of what you have written, for example ‘I am worthy,’ or ‘I am capable’. Have these affirmation statements up on mirrors, on your computer, or the kitchen fridge,” she suggests. Seeing these statements and saying them to ourselves repeatedly throughout the day can begin to train our brains to break the habit of negative self-talk.

“Muhammad Ali was the master of this, quoting day in day out "I am the greatest"... until he became the greatest,” says Boer.

Once you start to notice the negative thoughts negative thoughts that keep arising, Dr Boer recommends that you write them down. Image: Pexels.

3. Use an ‘anchor word’

Next, choose an anchor word to catch yourself as soon as you notice the negative self-talk taking hold.

“A good anchor word is 'Curiosity',” says Boer, explaining that this technique works by interrupting our thoughts.

“Once you catch yourself with negative self-talk like, 'I'm not good enough', or 'I can't do this', ask yourself the question: 'Is this true?" and ask yourself again 'Is this really true?' By asking yourself these questions, you are trying to dislodge the negative thought and create a dissonance in your mind.”

4. Keep track of your success

“Create a 'small wins' jar,” suggests Boer, “This jar includes all the kind words others have said of you or emailed you over time.” Noting down every time we receive positive feedback can help to even the scale against the often louder and more dominating negative messages we latch onto. Whenever you need a little pick me up, simply open the jar and take stock of how fab you are.

Noting down every time we receive positive feedback can help to even the scale against the often louder and more dominating negative messages we latch onto. Image: iStock

5. Become your own bestie

If you can hear that negative voice gaining real estate in your mind, it helps to imagine you’re speaking to someone you love. If you catch yourself thinking something particularly nasty, Boer says to remind yourself, “you wouldn't hear anyone else speak to you like that, so, when you are speaking negatively to yourself, imagine a kind, loving version of yourself, and ask them, what would they say that to you?”

6. Use Jedi mind tricks (AKA neuroscience)

Boer says that simply meditating or visualising ourselves as being happy and worthy of love can actually make that happen!

“This creates the neuronal pathways as if it has already happened, and subconsciously, you will direct your minor choices, actions, and thoughts towards that outcome or future,” she explains.

Yep, sounds like some sci-fi level stuff to me.

Originally published as Does your self-talk need an upgrade?