10 tips for dating with ADHD, according to an expert

As if dating wasn't daunting enough

Hinge's new D.A.T.E. (Data, Advice, Trends, and Expertise) Report saw researchers delve into dating with ADHD. Here, Hinge’s director of relationship science, Logan Ury, provides her tips for dating with ADHD.

Anyone who's been in a relationship (or on a dating app) knows dating comes with its challenges. Attachment styles, trauma, communication barriers – these are all factors a couple needs to accommodate when working towards a positive union. 

But according to new data from Hinge, people with attention-deficit / hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) face extra hurdles when trying to get to know someone.

In their new D.A.T.E. (Data, Advice, Trends, and Expertise) Report, the team at Hinge conducted research into how ADHD affects people in the early stages of dating – and what everyone should know about dating with neurodivergence. 

What is ADHD? 

ADHD is one of the most common mental disorders and can affect people of all ages. 

ADHD is considered a "Chronic and debilitating disorder and is known to impact the individual in many aspects of their life including academic and professional achievements, interpersonal relationships, and daily functioning."

ADHD diagnoses are most commonly discussed in relation to children, though conversations around adult diagnoses  – particularly for women – are growing thanks to social media platforms like TikTok.

Symptoms of ADHD include inattention (not being able to keep focus), hyperactivity (excess movement that is not fitting to the setting) and impulsivity (hasty acts that occur in the moment without thought), per the Mayo Clinic.

So the expectation to message back quickly and regularly can be difficult for online daters with ADHD. Image: iStock

ADHD and dating

Many of us find the talking stage draining, but it can be particulaly hard for those with a developmental disorder like ADHD.

People with ADHD often experience difficulty paying attention, forgetfulness, and getting easily overstimulated – so the expectation to message back quickly and regularly can be difficult for online daters with ADHD.

Hinge’s director of relationship science, Logan Ury says “As communicators, daters with ADHD might not engage with their matches in expected ways.”

According to the report, 71 per cent of people on Hinge expect their matches to respond to messages within one day, but 43 per cent of daters with ADHD forget to respond to their matches.

So while it’s easy to jump to assuming the person you’re talking to isn’t into you, it’s possible they could just have difficulty staying on top of messaging.

We may need to adjust our communication expectations when talking to someone who potentially has ADHD. 

Managing communication expectations when dating someone with ADHD

Ury says we may need to adjust our communication expectations when talking to someone who potentially has ADHD. 

“The key to dating someone with ADHD is communicating clearly and reducing misunderstandings”, she says. “We all communicate a little differently, and that can make online conversations tricky sometimes.”

She suggests keeping the following in mind when talking to someone new:

Try not to jump to conclusions if the person you’re talking to takes a while to respond. Image: iStock

#1. Don’t make assumptions

Many people don’t disclose their diagnosis right off the bat. You might not know they have ADHD – and neither might they. 

#2. Keep an open mind

Try not to jump to conclusions if the person you’re talking to takes a while to respond. It may not reflect on how interested they are in you.

#3. Get on the same page

If you’re not sure where someone’s head is at, ask! Honest communication is never a bad thing, so check in if you’re unsure if they’re feeling what you’re feeling.

Honest communication is never a bad thing. Image: Pexels

How to make online dating easier if you have ADHD

On top of having trouble remembering to reply, people with ADHD may struggle to stay engaged with the typical get-to-know-you chat when dating. 

As per the Hinge report, 31 per cent of people on Hinge with the disorder dread small talk, so chats about how many siblings you have, where you grew up and what job you do aren’t really going to hold their interest. 

If you’re struggling with online dating, there are changes you can make to your approach to make it easier.

Ury’s recommends:

• Being upfront about your communication preferences on your profile.
• Going at your own pace when replying and finding out what works best for you.
• Trying to stick to a few conversations at a time and turning off any notifications you don’t need so you can focus better.
• Setting reminders to respond to people.
• Taking the conversation offline as soon as you're comfortable to meet in person.

Take the conversation offline as soon as you're comfortable to meet in person. Image: Getty

Make the date work for you

And when it comes to planning dates, try to make the location work in your favour.

“You want to set yourself up [for success] with the dates you choose”, she says. “Aim for dates that will help you avoid distractions. For example, choose a dimly lit bar where you can focus on conversation over a bustling sports bar with TV screens that might draw your eye.

"At dinner, you can ask to face sitting towards the wall instead of out at the restaurant to help you focus. You can keep a running list of date spots to suggest to your matches to make it easier.”

At the end of the day, respect, kindness, and compassion go a long way with any date – and anyone with neurodivergence will appreciate your patience. 

Originally published as 10 tips for dating with ADHD, according to an expert