Adelaide Zoo panda Wang Wang answers all our questions

Ever wanted to know just why those pandas haven’t made panda kids yet? Or how they feel about their impending visa loss? We sat down and asked Wang Wang.

Ever wanted to know just why those pandas haven’t made panda kids yet? Or how they feel about their impending visa loss? We sat down and asked Wang Wang.

Do you agree with your boink ban?

Everyone keeps talking about us having babies like it’s the be all and end all, but do they ever stop and think about us and our feelings? What if we don’t want kids? Or can’t have kids? What if we aren’t even attracted to each other? What if we’re gay, or asexual? What if we’re choosing to concentrate on our careers? Or saving for a house? We come from the most densely populated place on earth. What if we don’t feel it’s responsible to bring another hungry mouth into the world? Did you ever stop and think about that?

The constant focus on our procreation is incredibly pressuring. Plus Fu Ni finds it hard to relax and get in the mood because she says she always feels like she’s being watched. Which probably stems from the fact that, well …

Plus, I know we look gorgeous to you humans, but trust me, for a panda, Fu Ni’s not that hot. I can pull way hotter pandas than her …

Fu Ni. Not that hot, we’re told. Picture: Adrian Mann

How do you feel about your lease expiring?

Look, that’s not helping, if I’m honest. Fu Ni’s gynaecologist told us if we want to conceive it’s important for her to relax and to try and reduce the number of stressors in both our lives. Between the lease being up and Fu Ni’s cervical ultrasounds seemingly being more watched than the Queen’s funeral, it really hasn’t been the most calming place to be. So, you know what, Adelaide’s been great, but maybe it’s time to move on. Maybe it’s time for us to do a Harry and Meghan and step out of the public spotlight for a while …

Will you seek refugee status to stay?

To suggest that we might is insulting to those in our community who have applied for this status legitimately.

What do you think of Adelaide? Is it a low-energy city?

You know that whole thing about people never really making the effort to explore what’s outside their own backyard? Like, they’ll travel interstate and overseas seeking out exotic destinations and amazing experiences, yet they never really take the time to see what’s going on outside their own fence? Yeah, we’ve got that kind of thing going on …

I’ve heard Adelaide’s nice. As for whether it’s “low energy”, I can’t comment, though interstate visitors always say there aren’t enough EV charging points, so maybe yes? But the zoo’s nice. The proximity to Adelaide Oval’s pretty cool too. We’ve got to listen to some awesome concerts throughout our time here. It was just a shame the Ed Sheeran concert didn’t line up with Fu Ni’s ovulation window. She really likes Ed Sheeran. She calls him her red panda. Don’t print that last bit. Fu Ni’ll kill me …

Wang Wang enjoys an ice pool at the Adelaide Zoo in February. Picture: Matt Loxton

Do you think people care more about SA’s lobsters, wine or pandas? Where do you rank?

Let’s face it, sex sells. Again, not that we’ve ever sought out that attention, but when was the last time you read an article about how the lobsters weren’t getting it on? Some shrimp weren’t shagging. The prawns weren’t preggers. Same goes for wine. When have we ever got up in arms about the pinots not pashing? The bordeaux’s not bonking? The muscat’s not making love? The semillon doesn’t have a, well …

The defence rests.

How does it feel to be the centre of a political shitstorm?

You keep phrasing these questions like this is what we want. But we don’t. We want the same things you guys want – to be happy, healthy and to try and get our missus pregnant in privacy for between 24 and 72 hours once a year. It’s hard to concentrate on making that happen when there are more cameras in our pen than in the Big Brother house.