The Oscar movies that stars should be embarrassed about

These movies may be critically-acclaimed — but we all secretly think they suck. It’s time they were called out.

Ahead of the Oscars tomorrow, let’s give a standing ovation to films that know they’re terrible – the lowbrow movies that are bad-but-good as well as the ones that are just plain awful.

The Wayans brothers are not given the respect they deserve. And why hasn’t Netflix ushered in the Rob Schneider renaissance?

But it’s not just novelty comedies. Even Academy Award winners are responsible for duds.

Sandra Bullock revealed this week she regrets appearing in Speed 2: Cruise Control – the sequel to the 1994 action thriller that grossed $466m worldwide and catapulted the star to being one of the most bankable actresses in Hollywood.

“I’m still embarrassed I was in (it),” the 57-year-old told TooFab.

Why? A simple reason. While the first instalment was about a bus that would explode if its speed fell below 50 miles per hour, the follow-up was a little less fast-paced, with the plot revolving around a luxury cruise ship that had to be stopped before it crashed into an oil tanker.

“Makes no sense,” Bullock said. “Slow boat. Slowly going towards an island. That’s one I wished I hadn’t done.”

An out-of-control jetski would’ve been a better choice but hindsight’s a cruel dame.

While the movie was panned by critics, awarded a Razzie and considered a box office bomb, it still pulled in $218 million worldwide.

Speed 2: Instant Regret.

Sandra doesn’t need to be embarrassed about Speed 2. Partly because none of us really remember it exists. But mostly because there’s something far worse than being in a bad movie: being in a critically acclaimed movie that people secretly think is actually insufferable.

Like with Don’t Look Up – the apocalyptic satire about the end of the world that’s up for a stack of awards at tomorrow’s Oscars, including Best Picture.

A basic rundown: Two scientists discover a comet is on a collision path with Earth only to realise no one wants to know about it or do anything to save mankind. It’s a comedic metaphor for climate change (ugh. I don’t wanna learn when I go to the cinema. I just wanna eat Maltesers in the dark and watch Melissa McCarthy do some pratfalls).

Don’t Look Up was one of those movies you felt like you weren’t allowed to admit to not liking when it first came out because it was so buzzy and cool. The cast was packed with stars – Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Lawrence, Rob Morgan, Cate Blanchett and Meryl Streep – and the promo imagery looked so hip every time you opened Netflix and saw the banner images on the streamer’s homepage.

The movie had screenwriter Adam McKay’s signature style of taking complex issues and explaining them in a jokey, wink-wink, know-it-all kinda way.

Many thought it was edgy. But some of us thought it was annoyingly smug and overhyped. Also, it’s a total missed opportunity to not have Melissa McCarthy perform a pratfall while a comet hurtles towards earth.

The all-star cast of Don’t Look Up.

Being the only person who hates a popular movie is the worst. You feel like Elaine Benes in that episode of Seinfeld where everyone loves The English Patient and she’s the only one who thinks it sucks.

It’s like trying to help trapped cult members but they all look at you like you’re the crazy one.

People treat you like you’re an idiot who just doesn’t appreciate highbrow cinema. And that’s not fair. Just because I think Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler should co-star in all movie releases, doesn’t mean I have inferior taste.

Can we all stop pretending that La La Land was a masterpiece? And has enough time passed for everyone to own up and admit they didn’t like 2017’s Oscar-winning The Shape Of Water – about a mute janitor who has sex with a man-fish?

C’mon. Be brave.

Here’s a top tip I’ve learnt: If reviewers describe a movie as “affecting”, that’s just a fancy way of saying it’s a snoozefest that’ll make you seem smart.

I still hold Cate Blanchett personally responsible for torturing me on Boxing Day of 2008 with a big ol’ yawner called The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.

If you’re lucky, you either didn’t see it, or you’ve managed to block the experience from your mind as a survival tactic. It starred Brad Pitt as a guy who ages in reverse. We the viewers were forced to sit in theatres and basically watch the clock roll back in real time.

The Tediously Never-ending Case Of Benjamin Button.

Painful memories of this piece of cinematic punishment occasionally keep me up at night because I was forced to see it twice in one day. Once with a friend, and a second time with a date because I promised we’d see it together. It’s the last time I did anything for romance.

Still, The Tediously Never-ending Case Of Benjamin Button was nominated for a swag of Academy Awards. Meanwhile, the real hit of the year, Jim Carrey’s Yes Man, was rudely snubbed.

Awards don’t mean anything.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as The Oscar movies that stars should be embarrassed about