Jupiter Ascending is a dry sci-fi baffler from the makers of The Matrix

REVIEW: A Russian toilet cleaner and a half-man-half-dog in deep space. Every bit the non-classic it just has to be. Welcome to Jupiter Ascending.

Jupiter Ascending (M)

Directors: The Wachowskis (The Matrix)

Starring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Douglas Booth, Tuppence Middleton.

Rating: *1/2

Too far out of this world, yet never goes the distance

SUCH a shame producers were so keen on the title Jupiter Ascending.

With just a few script tweaks, this long, dull and downright bizarre bore-a-thon could have been more aptly named Uranus Numbing.

This bumptiously bonkers space fairytale is largely composed of some old Cinderella tropes, a little bit of Star Wars, and random second-hand stuff nicked from across the sci-fi spectrum.

Though filmmaking siblings Andy and Lana Wachowski will forever be remembered as the creators of the highly influential The Matrix, the gap between their fingers and an audience’s pulse is now as wide as our solar system.

Bizarre ... Mila Kunis stars as Jupiter, an immigrant Russian toilet cleaner from Chicago flushed by fate across the universe. Picture: Supplied.

It is hard to declare which is more amazing: the fact Jupiter Ascending was made at all, or that anyone thought burning a budget of more than $200 million on this blazing brain-fade was a grand idea.

Mila Kunis stars as Jupiter, an immigrant Russian toilet cleaner from Chicago flushed by fate across the universe to a planet where she is hailed to be a right royal princess.

A conniving trio of Jupiter’s new regal peers (played by Eddie Redmayne, Douglas Booth and Tuppence Middleton) are just so happy to meet her, you know they just want to kill her.

Thank the stars, then for our heroine’s sole guardian angel: a pointy-eared half-dog-half-man that owns a pair of groovy flying boots. His name is Wise, and he is played by Channing Tatum.

Canine proportions ... Channing Tatum plays Jupiter’s half-dog-half-man guardian angel in new movie Jupiter Ascending. Picture: Supplied.

If you haven’t already abandoned this review to join the nearest queue for Jupiter Ascending tickets, let me assure you that the movie conjures even less must-see magic than its crummy plotting promises on paper.

The freakiest performance in a film full of wacky weird-outs comes from Oscar fave Eddie Redmayne (Theory Of Everything), who whispers, lisps, wheezes and squeals his lines in a manner that beggars all belief.

While Redmayne’s commitment to a role where every choice he makes is wrong is actually kind of admirable, it is rare to see an actor of his calibre miss the mark so hopelessly.

Conversely, Kunis and Tatum do grow on you after a while.

Being a Wachowski movie, the 3D visuals are genuinely fifty shades of wow, but everyone knows that ain’t enough these days.

Originally published as Jupiter Ascending is a dry sci-fi baffler from the makers of The Matrix