Oscars host Chris Rock’s best one-liners

HE’S hosting the Oscars next month, so we thought we’d look back at some of the legendary funnyman’s best one-liners.

Chris Rock

IT SEEMS appropriate that comedian Chris Rock would take on hosting duties for what’s shaping up as the most controversial Oscars ceremony in recent memory.

If anyone can tackle the elephant in the room — the unavoidable whiteness of the nominees, and the resulting discussion about diversity and inclusion in Hollywood — it’s Chris. What’s more, he’ll make it damn funny.

So here are some of his best one-liners.

“Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?”

“We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to sh*t. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a f**king lactose intolerance?!”

“If you’re black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.”

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law’.”

“I was born a suspect. Came out my mother’s stomach; anything that happened in a three-block radius, I was a suspect! White America is so scared of black teenagers. I walk down the streets, women are grabbing hold of their Mace, everybody’s tucking in their chains, people are hitting their car doors, people get into karate stances. I look up in the air, there’s a bunch of old white ladies on the phone — they’ll dial nine-one and just wait for me to do something.”

“My mother was real cheap. OK, practical. She would never pay a bill on time. ‘If they ain’t cutting it off, I ain’t paying’, she would say, ‘The first bill is a suggestion. If they really want you to pay it, then they’ll come and tap on your window’. Her whole philosophy of life was: if you die owing money, then you’ve won.”

“The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. About a 35 hour flight. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here.”

“Ever see a list of the richest black people in the country? Oprah’s on there. Cosby. Michael Jordon. Magic Johnson. Tiger Woods. Movie stars. But you can’t get past number eight without running across a brother who just hit the Lotto jackpot last week.”

“Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.”

“I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. ‘Get out of the car, get out of the f***ing car! You stole this car!’ I was like, ‘Damn, maybe I did!’”

“Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Gettin’ Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!”

“You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penélope Cruz.”

“Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I’m talking about. Every club you go into, there’s always some old guy. He ain’t really old, just a little too old to be in the club.”

“My favourite song right now is impossible to defend. It’s impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this song. Lil Jon. You know that s**t: ‘To the window! To the wall! Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!’ You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that s**t. ‘Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!’ I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It’s like, ‘Daddy, where’d you meet Mommy?’ ‘Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!’

“I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way the Live Aid ended world poverty.”

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’ and ‘Colin’. Need I say more?”

Originally published as Oscars host Chris Rock’s best one-liners